Family Pics!

Earlier this month, we finally got around to getting some professional Lane and family photos.  You have no idea how hard of a time I had finding someone in the Richmond area to do this.  I had contacted and all but set up an official shoot date with three different photographers just to end up never hearing from them again.  I contacted my friend (and photographer) Lisa who jumped on a magic message board and found me Kacie Lynch, and I loved her!  She did such a great job, and I love that the session included a disk with all the pictures on it.  It didn't cost extra, which seemed to be the case with most other photographers.  We will definitely be using her again!

Sadly, Lane only had about an hour of tolerance in him that day, mostly because it was the coldest day that month, but we still got some good shots.  Here are a few (or a lot) of my favorites!!

 

Punch to the Gut

So yesterday, we took the car in to be serviced before leaving for Christmas vacation.  We have yet to buy a second car since the unfortunate destruction of the Mazda last year, but it works out for the most part since Eric works from home.  Annnnnyway, as a result, I had the car shuttle service pick me up from work and take me back to the dealership to get the car.

So, we are driving along and I somehow get on the subject of kids, specifically Lane.  Here's the gist of the convo:

"Blah Blah Blah, like your work?"

"Yes, but I'm happy to be done for the day.  I'm exhausted!  Of course, I have to go home to my second job with my 14 month old."

"Oh, you have twins?"

"What???"

"Twins, right?"

::major pause, insert punch in gut face::

"...no...."



??????????



Really?  I really didn't say ANYTHING to remotely imply twins so where did it come from?  I've said it a hundred times before, but I already feel like I've had my membership to the exclusive club for twin mommies taken away, but I'm typically pretty well adjusted.  But when something like this happens, I have no idea how to react.  What do I say??  "Um, no sir, well, actually, yes sir, only there was this terrible accident and now I just have one son... so, no twins anymore... I know you feel super awkward now but at least I'm not the only one..."

I never know how to react in these situations.  I have a hard enough time not wanting to hate every woman in the world with or expecting twins... I know it isn't THEIR fault that this happened to me, and I know deep down its just jealously looking in on the life I was SUPPOSED to have, but my logically knowing this does not make the feeling go away.  Plain and simple.  Hell, to be honest, sometimes I feel that way towards all mommies-to-be, regardless of multiples or not... it must be some coping mechanism of mine.  I think my own fears of being pregnant again are just starting to rub off on my social interactions...

Mother of the Year Award Goes To...

Sometimes, I feel like such a terrible mom. Really, just downright BAD. Lane cries, and I just want to walk away. Lane knocks over a drink, and I want to scream. Or, the most common, Lane wakes up at 2AM, and I wish he had a snooze button (and sometimes, in my sleep-drunk state, I try to ignore him…).


But in reality, these are all perfectly normal feelings. I’m sure every mom has felt like a terrible mom for this exact same reason(s).

Lucky me, I have two REAL examples of being a terrible mom. And it unnerves me how close together these two occurrences happened…

First off, about a week or so ago, I was giving Lane a bath. Eric and I try to take turns doing this, so the other has a little time to get something else done. On this particular night, he was out running some errands. Lane LOVES the bath. Seriously, he can be cranky and tired and melting down, and you put him in there, he is a new baby. He also loves to stand in the tub. I hate it, it makes me uncomfortable, but he pulls up on everything now and he doesn’t understand why I tell him “no”. Well, that night, we had finished up, and I turned around to pull the water drain and grab a towel, when I hear a terrible squeaky noise followed by a loud thud and lots of screams. Yeah, Lane decided to reach for the soap on the floor and fell OUT OF THE TUB! The whole thing took literally 2 seconds…

Freak out moment number 1.

I had no idea what to do. When does a fall warrant a trip to the emergency room?? Did he break anything or have a concussion? Is he just scared? Seriously, this was a screaming cry I have never heard. So I scooped him up and ran into his room, checked him over, while we both cried. I curled up with him in the rocker to try and soothe him, which did eventually work. After about 5 minutes, he was done crying, but I was still scared. He had none of the symptoms I was told to keep an eye out for, but I spent that whole night checking on him almost hourly to make sure he was OK. All he ended up having was a little red spot on his forehead and nose. He literally landed on is face.

Then a few days later, while in the midst of a terrible teething spell, I had pulled out some teething tablets, gave him two, and set it on a high enough table that I thought they were safe (plus, they have a friggin’ child safety cap). Lane proceeds to play while I do some cleaning up, and after a few minutes, I’ve noticed he has gotten really quiet. I look down at him and he has popped open the bottle and is eating teething tablets like its candy.

Freak out moment number 2.

What the eff?? How did you even manage to do that? I, of course, freak and try to count how many are left so I have an idea how many he has eaten… all while Lane cries that I won’t let him continue to do something that makes him so happy (if you don’t know, these tablets dissolve instantly, and he must have found that very neat). I was able to determine he ate about 10. So I read the box. Doesn’t say a max amount to consume in a day, just says to call Poison Control in case of an accidental overdose.

So I do… and guess what? They LAUGHED at me. That’s right, LAUGHED at the mother who was freaking out. Apparently, you can’t overdose on homeopathic medicines. Then why do you have the number on the friggin’ bottle? Jerks.

So there you have it. My two prime examples of being a “bad mom”. Hope that helps you all feel a little better :)

A YEAR!

I know, I know; insert typical “sorry I’ve been MIA” comment. Honestly, I just never seem to have the time! After Lane was born, I was busy with healing and being a stay-at-home mom. And now since returning to work this summer, it’s been even harder. I used to be able to take some time during the day at my old job to post (yup, being a good little employee, lol), but now, I’m not usually with a computer, and once I get home, I’m trying to make the most of my few hours with Lane that I just forget. That said, I think I am actually getting into a position where I’ll have time to post more often, so hopefully you’ll be seeing more from me in the future (you know you’re excited). Now onto the goods…

First and foremost, it’s been a year… actually, it’s been MORE than a year, but I was too engulfed in my feelings earlier this month to even consider posting about them. October 7th of this year was exciting and upsetting, happy and sad… Eric and I tried our best to focus on Lane but also didn’t want it to seem like we had forgotten or moved on from the loss of Lucas. As a result, we decided to start a new tradition in lighting wish lanterns from October 7th to October 14th in honor of the 7 days Lucas was with us. And out of the 7 nights of lanterns, we only had one potential fire issue, so that was a pretty good record (for those wondering, night six’s lantern got swept up in a gust and stuck in a tree in our backyard...). We are planning to keep this tradition going year after year. I know Lane is too young to understand the sentiment right now, but he enjoyed watching.

And Lane is getting so big! At his 12 month check up, he was 31.5 inches long and 22 lbs 4 oz… 40th percentile for weight, 97th for height… a long and skinny boy!! I was getting progressively worried as the months went by that he wasn’t crawling yet, but at 11 months, he finally started and he’s been into everything since. That’s one piece of advice I have for everyone; all children are different and do things at different times. I know that he was technically 9 months corrected, but I was still watching all my friend’s kids or other kids at day care surpass Lane, and it automatically would instill a fear that he obviously had some neurological disorder brought on by the accident.

If you’re anything like me… simma down. I drove myself nuts, and I still do it all the time and have to smack myself to stop. Just because he is a little behind does not mean he has any issues or is hurt.

Well, time to get back to it, but I wanted to share a few pics of Lane with you guys so you can see what a handsome little fella is he becoming. Hope to talk to you guys soon!!

At Chili Cookoff!!

Richmond Folk Festival

Halloween!!

P.S. In my experience, I’ve notice there have been a lot of people in my personal life that have had questions about a number of things… the accident, Lucas, how either has effected me, having more children, etc, but are understandably uncomfortable to ask. I want to put it out there now that it doesn’t bother me. I haven’t had a question yet that has made me overly uncomfortable, and I actually find it therapeutic to talk about it most of the time. So, that said, if any of you have questions (not that you do, but like I said, putting it out there), please feel free to ask in the comments. It might make for an interesting post in the near future. Again, do not feel bad asking… I know there are lots of things that people are curious about!

Six months gone by...

Wow... I cannot believe six months have gone by since my last post, and I'm the mother of an eight month old (tomorrow, anyway).  Time has really flown.  You may wonder why I haven't been around, and frankly, there are several reasons.  One being I just don't have the time like I used to!  Funny enough, at my old job, I was able to blog practically daily, but now that I'm at home with Lane, its like I have zero time.  However, time constraints aside, I just haven't had it in me.  Several blogs that I follow are twin mommy blogs, and every time I log in, its just a reminder of what could have been.  When everything happened in October, I told myself I would put everything out there so that others who may experience loss could know they aren't alone, but sometimes its harder than I imagined.

As far as what's been going on, Lane is doing GREAT!  He's getting so big, and I can't wait for his 9 month appointment to get new measurements.  He's rolling around, learning to sit, eating solids three times a day, and is very, very vocal (just like his mommy and daddy).  As far as me, I'm getting better everyday.  I have been through a lot of physical therapy and am still in pain daily, but I can get around so much better.  Like I said before, I'm currently a stay at home mom, but that is mostly because I was laid off while out on disability and have yet to find another job.  As a result of that, and the accident, my husband and I decided to relocate to Richmond, VA, so we could be closer to family and, frankly, farther away from DC.

Our lawsuit is still ongoing, mostly because we are waiting on the state charges to go to court.  Its been delayed several times over the past few months for one reason or another, and now is scheduled for later this month.  I'm hoping that it isn't continued again because I'm ready to get this over with, and we can't proceed with our civil suit until he is formally charged by the state.

Honestly, I wish I could say I'm back to my old self or even partly there, but I'm not, and I'm not sure I ever will be.  What we went through literally has changed us.  While my husband and I are great support systems for each other, I'd be lying to say there has never been any strain on our relationship since the accident.  We have shorter tempers and get frustrated more easily, and seem to always take it out on each other. But at the same time, we are there for each other in ways we never were before.  We both cherish Lane like you could never imagine, but also feel that hole like something is missing... because it is, HE is.  This was not how our life was supposed to be, but its what we were given.

I think about Lucas, daily.  Looking at Lane, I can't help but think what he would look like, how he would act.  He is the missing piece in our family, but I feel like I have to suppress that so I can give Lane everything he deserves in life.  I just want to be a good mother to him, and protect him, because I wasn't able to protect them like I should have.  Yes, I blame myself, but how can I not? No I wasn't driving the vehicle that crashed into me, and no I wasn't the one to run the red light, but I could have changed something to avoid it from happening... and even if that isn't true or realistic, I can't help feeling that way.  It was my job to protect them and I failed. 

I don't want to end this on a sad note, though, so instead, I wanted the share a few pictures of Lane, so you can see how big he is now!  I'll leave you saying that I hope to get back into blogging more regularly, but I don't want to make any promises.  I've already missed six months of new mom-ship that I had hoped to share, but I hope to find the time to keep you up to date on the future.

 Out for a walk in our new jogging stroller (no, I don't jog, my bones can't handle it, but I do love trying to get out and about as a form of therapy)

 Sitting up!! It only lasted about a minute but it was a big milestone!

My handsome man!! Love that smile!!