I HATE my breasts... they are failing me, and all it does is make me feel guilty. Even when I was expecting two mouths to feed, I was planning to breastfeed as much as possible, and only supplement as needed. Now, it seems like the opposite.. like I am only supplementing with breastmilk.
Even with everything that happened to me, I still worked really, REALLY hard. The second I came to my senses in the hospital, I asked for a pump, and when I was transferred to another hospital for rehab, I still kept it up as much as possible. I even thought I was doing good, getting several ounces (2-3) each time I pumped. I knew I should be pumping more often, but it was hard with all my rehab and the drugs that I was on, so I just did the best I could, knowing it might not be enough.
Then it just started to turn south. I tried Fenugreek, and eating oatmeal, and lots of water, and pumping all the time, but I just kept getting less and less. I told myself, "well, I just need to get him to latch on, then my milk will come in" because that's what the lactation consultant said. Well, that was a battle in itself, and we would both get so frustrated. He only latched on a couple times, but most just screamed at me. So, I gave up... and now, I can only pump out 10-30 mL (basically 1 ounce or less) each time I pump.
Its so frustrating, because I feel like I am letting Lane and myself down. Not to mention it is SO hard for my husband to understand. He sees that I can't pump enough, but he thinks I didn't try hard enough to get Lane latched on. OK, fine, I'll agree with him, maybe I gave up to fast, but it was just really frustrating with everything else on my plate. All I want to hear from him is that its OK to give up on pumping. Not that I would, but I just want to know he'd support me if I did.
So, my battle is still on. I still try with pumping, but really only get enough every two days for one feeding. Is it even worth it?? Ughh!!!!
I can't believe its been almost two months since my accident, and since the delivery of my sweet baby boys. So much has happened since then. I, of course, have tons to share, but have been so busy that I haven't really had the time. I'll try to catch everyone up now and will try to be better in blogging now that that's have started to calm down a bit.
As you all know, I had a very serious accident in early October at 33w4d pregnant. As a result, I had an emergency c-section for the delivery of my twin boys, Lucas and Lane. Sadly, Lucas did not make it, due to severe brain damage that had him in a coma since his birth. We took him off life support at 7 days old. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I never knew loss or grief like that, and I still haven't dealt with it 100%. I'm not sure I ever will, but I know that my feelings on the subject are best saved for a post of its own, especially in the event anyone else out there experiences something similar. We were fortunate enough to have the group "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" present to capture photographs of Eric and me with Lucas, which we will cherish forever. We haven't brought ourselves to look at them yet, but we were sent the disk. Its something my husband and I will do together when we are both ready.
On a happier note, Lane is doing wonderfully. He spent about a month in the NICU. While his overall growth was great, his lungs were (and still are) very immature, which caused him to have several "spells" of desats while in the hospital (in other words, he would stop/slow his breathing so much that his oxygen levels would significantly drop). As a result, he was sent home on an apnea monitor when he left. The monitor, in itself, was a trial and an experience. The entire first day it would alarm non-stop, but never due to an apnea issue. All the alarms were due to the leads falling off. Luckily, the in-home nurse who came to check on him gave us some tape that solved the issue. He now only needs to wear the monitor when he sleeps at night or if we are not in the room with him, and he will likely be off the monitor next week. The funny thing is I am scared to take him off. Its been annoying to deal with but its always been a safety feature to know he is breathing!!
In other Lane news, he is growing wonderfully. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz when born, and now weighs 7 lbs 15 oz (at 8 weeks old). He completely cracks me up. He is such a happy baby, except after meals, as he has some reflux issues. As a result, he is now on Zantac twice a day. Its helping some, but he is still uncomfortable after each meal, and spits up all the time. Its a work in progress to find the right medication for him.
Now, on to me. I had a laundry list of issues as a result of the accident, including several broken bones (pelvis, left collar bone and shoulder, several ribs and vertebra, and tailbone) and what is called a mild TBI, or traumatic brain injury, a.k.a. brain bleed. The TBI is actually why I blacked out after the accident and can't remember several things, including my first days in the hospital. After spending a few days in the trauma ICU, I was moved to the surgery tower. I had surgery on my pelvic bone and now have two huge screws holding it together. After a week, I was transferred to another hospital, away from my baby, to a rehab specific hospital, where I spent several hours a day learning to walk and other skills. When I left after two weeks, I could walk with a walker, as I could not put weights on my left side, and I had a wheelchair for longer distances (for instance, visiting Lane in the NICU, since he was there for about a week after I was released). Now I can put weight on my left side, but I still am using the walker. I started outpatient PT today and will hopefully be moving to a cane in the next week or so.
I've had a lot of help since my accident. My husband was out of work on leave to help, and I wouldn't be able to make it without him. I know how stressful it must have been for him, but he really did everything in the world for me, including turning our dining room into a little bedroom for Lane and me since I can't get upstairs. My mom has also been a huge help. She lives out of town, but has spent a lot of time with us, and she will be coming next week since Eric will be going back to work. I'm out of work on disability until March, and may even stay out after it ends, to be with Lane.
Like I said, a lot has been going on in the past two months, but I felt like I couldn't start back my blogging until I caught everyone up. Even with everything that happened, I do feel blessed. I am lucky to be alive, especially when I see pictures of my car! I'm lucky to have a happy and healthy son, even if it wasn't exactly what I planned and prepared for. I'm lucky for my husband, my family, and my friends. So many people have reached out to us, with food, and maid services, and many other things. I didn't know so many people cared, but I truly feel blessed. It doesn't mean I don't have pity parties, because I do, but they pass and have becoming fewer and farther between.
So that is everything... and I'm going to work to keep up with blogging from here on out. I want to share everything I think and feel, because hearing from others who went though something similar has been helpful for me, and I want to be helpful to others. I have so many thoughts on grief and loss, and struggles, and blessings, but I also want to document Lane's life and growth.
Talk to you all soon! (and hopefully my futures posts won't be so long!!)
My husband and I started trying to conceive in January 2009, and after about 8 months, we realized we needed some help. With did a few minor infertility treatments with an OB before moving onto an RE in January 2010. We were lucky (if thats the right word after 15 months TTC) enough to get pregnant on our first round of injectables with IUI. Now we are expecting twins in November! This is our journey to becoming parents...
January 2009 - Which is also the same month we decided to start TTC
Our TTC Journey
Oct 2010 - Our boys, Lane Carter and Lucas Marks, are born 10/7/2010 at 33w4d via emergency c-section after a car accident. Sadly, Lucas passed away on 10/14/2010 due to injuries sustained from the accident. Mommy loves you, Angel...
Jun 2010 - We're having twin BOYS!
Apr 2010 - Ultrasound at 6w2d show two healthy babies! We're having TWINS!
Mar 2010 - IUI#1 on CD16 (3/1). BFP at 11DPO (3/12)!! Beta results 77 at 3w4d (3/12). Second beta results 1489 at 4w4w (3/19).
Feb 2010 - Provera 2/3-2/12. Metformin starting 2/9. AF on 2/14. Clomid 100mg CD3-7 (2/16-2/20) and Follistim (FSH) injections (50IU) on CD7-9 (2/20-2/22) and CD12-13(2/25-2/26). Monitoring on CD10-CD14. Follicle(s) ready on CD14, hCG trigger the evening of CD14 (2/27).
Jan 2010 - AF on 1/14. Baseline u/s on CD3 is good (no cysts or PCOS). Clomid 150 mg CD 5-9. HSG on CD 7 is good (no blockages). Follow up u/s on CD 12, 15, 18, and 21 shows lead follicle at only 11mm. No progress, RE decided to move onto next cycle, and induce AF with Provera.
Dec 2009 - BFN and AF on 12/6. Decide not to take third round of Clomid this cycle, and plan to meet with RE in January 2010.
Nov 2009 - Clomid 100 mg CD 3-7. CD21 Progesterone test shows no O. Thermal shift on CD 26 confirms late O.
Oct 2009 - CD21 Progesterone test shows no O. Thermal shift on CD 29 confirms late O. BFN and AF on 10/26.
Sep 2009 - Provera to induce AF on 9/15, Clomid 50 mg CD 3-7
Aug 2009 - AF on 8/5; Doctor orders tests (u/s, BW, SA - all normal)
Jul 2009 - No AF, BFN
Jun 2009 - AF 6/15, meet with OBGYN
May 2009 - No AF, BFN
Apr 2009 - No AF, BFN
Mar 2009 - No AF, BFN
Feb 2009 - AF on 2/15
Jan 2009 - Decide to start TTC; Stopped Birth Control
2ww or TWW: two week wait (luteal phase, 14 days after ovulation)
AF: Aunt Flo (menstruation, period)
BBT: basal body temperature
BD: baby dance (sex)
BFN: big fat negative (pregnancy test result)
BFP: big fat positive (pregnancy test result)
CD: cycle day
CL: corpus luteum
CM: cervical mucus
CP: cervical position
DPO: days past ovulation
EDD: estimated due date
EWCM: egg-white cervical mucus
hCG: human chorionic gonadotropin
HPT: home pregnancy test
HSG: hysterosalpingogram (X-ray test)
IUI: intrauterine insemination
IVF: in vitro fertilization
LH: luteinizing hormone (detected in ovulation predictor kits)
LP: luteal phase, days between OV and AF
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
PG: pregnancy, pregnant
POAS: pee on a stick (home pregnancy test)
RE: reproductive endocrinologist
SA: semen analysis
TTC: trying to conceive