Monday, June 6, 2011

Six months gone by...

Wow... I cannot believe six months have gone by since my last post, and I'm the mother of an eight month old (tomorrow, anyway).  Time has really flown.  You may wonder why I haven't been around, and frankly, there are several reasons.  One being I just don't have the time like I used to!  Funny enough, at my old job, I was able to blog practically daily, but now that I'm at home with Lane, its like I have zero time.  However, time constraints aside, I just haven't had it in me.  Several blogs that I follow are twin mommy blogs, and every time I log in, its just a reminder of what could have been.  When everything happened in October, I told myself I would put everything out there so that others who may experience loss could know they aren't alone, but sometimes its harder than I imagined.

As far as what's been going on, Lane is doing GREAT!  He's getting so big, and I can't wait for his 9 month appointment to get new measurements.  He's rolling around, learning to sit, eating solids three times a day, and is very, very vocal (just like his mommy and daddy).  As far as me, I'm getting better everyday.  I have been through a lot of physical therapy and am still in pain daily, but I can get around so much better.  Like I said before, I'm currently a stay at home mom, but that is mostly because I was laid off while out on disability and have yet to find another job.  As a result of that, and the accident, my husband and I decided to relocate to Richmond, VA, so we could be closer to family and, frankly, farther away from DC.

Our lawsuit is still ongoing, mostly because we are waiting on the state charges to go to court.  Its been delayed several times over the past few months for one reason or another, and now is scheduled for later this month.  I'm hoping that it isn't continued again because I'm ready to get this over with, and we can't proceed with our civil suit until he is formally charged by the state.

Honestly, I wish I could say I'm back to my old self or even partly there, but I'm not, and I'm not sure I ever will be.  What we went through literally has changed us.  While my husband and I are great support systems for each other, I'd be lying to say there has never been any strain on our relationship since the accident.  We have shorter tempers and get frustrated more easily, and seem to always take it out on each other. But at the same time, we are there for each other in ways we never were before.  We both cherish Lane like you could never imagine, but also feel that hole like something is missing... because it is, HE is.  This was not how our life was supposed to be, but its what we were given.

I think about Lucas, daily.  Looking at Lane, I can't help but think what he would look like, how he would act.  He is the missing piece in our family, but I feel like I have to suppress that so I can give Lane everything he deserves in life.  I just want to be a good mother to him, and protect him, because I wasn't able to protect them like I should have.  Yes, I blame myself, but how can I not? No I wasn't driving the vehicle that crashed into me, and no I wasn't the one to run the red light, but I could have changed something to avoid it from happening... and even if that isn't true or realistic, I can't help feeling that way.  It was my job to protect them and I failed. 

I don't want to end this on a sad note, though, so instead, I wanted the share a few pictures of Lane, so you can see how big he is now!  I'll leave you saying that I hope to get back into blogging more regularly, but I don't want to make any promises.  I've already missed six months of new mom-ship that I had hoped to share, but I hope to find the time to keep you up to date on the future.

 Out for a walk in our new jogging stroller (no, I don't jog, my bones can't handle it, but I do love trying to get out and about as a form of therapy)

 Sitting up!! It only lasted about a minute but it was a big milestone!

My handsome man!! Love that smile!!