Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Because It Only Takes a Moment to Change Your World...

I know that many of you are wondering where I have been these past two weeks. Some of you are aware of the events that have come to pass, but I am starting to feel like I am in a place to share with you my story. This could be long, it will be sad, and it may border on graphic, but regardless, I wanted to share my story.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, on Thursday October 7th, my life was changed forever. I decided to leave work a few minutes early to go by the mall and pick up some long sleeved maternity shirts. It was a quick, in and out trip... or so I had thought.

As I left the mall, I waited at my light to take the left hand turn that would take me home. When my light turned green, I saw the other cars around me stop, and so I pulled out. And there waiting for me was am ambulance, although I didn't know it at the time. I saw it for only a split second, then there was darkness. I woke to being cut out of the car, while a woman spoke to me, asking me questions.

All I could scream was that I was pregnant. No matter how much I knew they already knew didn't matter. I needed to be sure. The second thing I can remember was trying to give Eric's name and number. He needed to be there. I knew what was going to happen, and he had to be there...

I couldn't tell them my name, nor could I relay what happened (that came later), but I needed my boys to be OK. I could tell the doctor's were worried as we were rushed into the O.R. There was no time to prepare; as I started to cry, they put me under. I woke up soon afterwards in the Trauma ICU, very aware of what had happened and how much pain I was in. While making my left hand turn, a private emergency transport vehicle T-boned me directly on the driver's side.

The doctors (with Eric) went through my laundry list of broken bones: left collar bone, left shoulder, several ribs on the left side, several cracked vertebra, tail bone, and pelvic bone (into three pieces), along with some bleeding in my brain. Of all the broken bones, the only one considered operable was the pelvic bone, which would need to wait until Saturday.

It wasn't until I made it very clear how much I didn't care about my injuries that I was taken seriously and told how my boys were. Both were delivered via emergency c-section at 33w4d. Lane, a.k.a. Baby B, was relatively good. He was taken to the NICU and put into an isolette to control his temperature. He had a CT scan along with some other tests but overall was very good. Lucas, on the other hand, was not so well. It became very obvious why they hadn't filled me in on his condition yet.. it simply wasn't good. Eric wanted to tell me... he wanted to take me to him. I knew something very serious was wrong.

My poor boy was low in my pelvis when the accident happened, and he was crushed. As a result, he had severe brain damage and never woke from his coma. We waited for several days to see if anything would change, but it didn't. We baptized him early Thursday morning, then had several pictures taken ( before stopping his ventilator. Eric and I then held him, cried, comforted each other... for hours. Together in our sadness. Until his last breath and heartbeat.

There is still so much to say but I am pushing on my own abilities, fighting back tears and exhaustion. Lucas was cremated today and we will have someone pick him up soon. I bought a necklace to keep some of his ashes with me forever, and should be here tomorrow. I stayed in the same hospital as Lane until Friday when I was transferred to another rehab specific hospital. I spend 3-4 hours a day working one of one with physical or occupational therapists, as well as some individual exercises. I will likely be here for another two weeks before going home, after which I will have someone come to my house several times a week. I'm currently in a wheelchair but am learning to walk (and will hopefully do so by the end of the year).

Honestly, I am not ready to deal with my loss. I have lost a son, I know that. He was beautiful, and I prayed harder than ever before, but right now, my focus has to be on getting better, and providing for Lane, who is still in the NICU. I'm just not ready to deal with it, because by doing so, I'll be letting other things in as well. Other things like the blame... blame of myself, blame of the driver. Or the 'what next?'s. I can't let myself feel so broken right now.

That's all for tonight. I can't do much more. But I will continue to post. You need to know more about Lane. You need to know more about Lucas. It will all come in time.

Love you all.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Baby Holden Page

Exciting news to share!  My nephew, Holden Page, was born on Friday, October 1st.  He was 7 lbs 10 oz and 19.5 inches long.  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to officially meet him, because I am on travel restrictions, but I was lucky enough to Skype with my sister and the little man on Saturday night.  He is adorable.  He has the cutest chubby cheeks.  I cannot wait to hold and squeeze and spoil him to bits!

I don't have any pictures right now, but hopefully someone will send me some soon and I can share with you, but I just wanted to share the big news.  The first grandson in our family is here, and two more will be on the way shortly.  My parents will have their hands full with three grandsons only one month apart.

Son of a....

Ugh, I'm so pissed.  I made it almost 34 weeks without a single stretch mark, and must have gotten a bit cocky about that, because they have shown up.  All weekend, the underside of my stomach (to the left of my navel, and area I cannot see) was itching like crazy.  I finally got out some mirrors to check it out, and there they were, two little stretch marks.  Its nothing too terrible yet, but I'm sure this is just the start.  Apparently all the "lubing up" and excessive water drinking didn't help.  I thought I'd be lucky, considering my mom did not get stretch marks, but doesn't seem so.  Oh well!!

I've also hit hard into the "third trimester insomnia".  I've had to start taking a Benadryl at night to sleep, but even last night that didn't help.  I think I got a combined total of 30 minutes of sleep.  Its making today pretty rough!

Other than that, there really isn't much going on right now (just trying to stay off my feet... have to make it through this week to stay on track with my FMLA plans).  We had planned to take care of a lot of baby related items this weekend, but ended up just spending time with Layla.  She was doing really good this weekend, but got sick this morning.  The hardest part for us right now is the waiting.  We have no idea when the cancer is really going to hit her.  It could be tonight, it could be next month.  Its causing a lot of stress, both because the idea of her passing away breaks our heart, but also because the babies are expected in about a month.  It really is the worst timing we could ever have.  It wouldn't be easy regardless, but the timing definitely makes it even harder.  Our biggest fear is that I will go into labor right at the same time she has another collapse.