Monday, June 6, 2011

Six months gone by...

Wow... I cannot believe six months have gone by since my last post, and I'm the mother of an eight month old (tomorrow, anyway).  Time has really flown.  You may wonder why I haven't been around, and frankly, there are several reasons.  One being I just don't have the time like I used to!  Funny enough, at my old job, I was able to blog practically daily, but now that I'm at home with Lane, its like I have zero time.  However, time constraints aside, I just haven't had it in me.  Several blogs that I follow are twin mommy blogs, and every time I log in, its just a reminder of what could have been.  When everything happened in October, I told myself I would put everything out there so that others who may experience loss could know they aren't alone, but sometimes its harder than I imagined.

As far as what's been going on, Lane is doing GREAT!  He's getting so big, and I can't wait for his 9 month appointment to get new measurements.  He's rolling around, learning to sit, eating solids three times a day, and is very, very vocal (just like his mommy and daddy).  As far as me, I'm getting better everyday.  I have been through a lot of physical therapy and am still in pain daily, but I can get around so much better.  Like I said before, I'm currently a stay at home mom, but that is mostly because I was laid off while out on disability and have yet to find another job.  As a result of that, and the accident, my husband and I decided to relocate to Richmond, VA, so we could be closer to family and, frankly, farther away from DC.

Our lawsuit is still ongoing, mostly because we are waiting on the state charges to go to court.  Its been delayed several times over the past few months for one reason or another, and now is scheduled for later this month.  I'm hoping that it isn't continued again because I'm ready to get this over with, and we can't proceed with our civil suit until he is formally charged by the state.

Honestly, I wish I could say I'm back to my old self or even partly there, but I'm not, and I'm not sure I ever will be.  What we went through literally has changed us.  While my husband and I are great support systems for each other, I'd be lying to say there has never been any strain on our relationship since the accident.  We have shorter tempers and get frustrated more easily, and seem to always take it out on each other. But at the same time, we are there for each other in ways we never were before.  We both cherish Lane like you could never imagine, but also feel that hole like something is missing... because it is, HE is.  This was not how our life was supposed to be, but its what we were given.

I think about Lucas, daily.  Looking at Lane, I can't help but think what he would look like, how he would act.  He is the missing piece in our family, but I feel like I have to suppress that so I can give Lane everything he deserves in life.  I just want to be a good mother to him, and protect him, because I wasn't able to protect them like I should have.  Yes, I blame myself, but how can I not? No I wasn't driving the vehicle that crashed into me, and no I wasn't the one to run the red light, but I could have changed something to avoid it from happening... and even if that isn't true or realistic, I can't help feeling that way.  It was my job to protect them and I failed. 

I don't want to end this on a sad note, though, so instead, I wanted the share a few pictures of Lane, so you can see how big he is now!  I'll leave you saying that I hope to get back into blogging more regularly, but I don't want to make any promises.  I've already missed six months of new mom-ship that I had hoped to share, but I hope to find the time to keep you up to date on the future.

 Out for a walk in our new jogging stroller (no, I don't jog, my bones can't handle it, but I do love trying to get out and about as a form of therapy)

 Sitting up!! It only lasted about a minute but it was a big milestone!

My handsome man!! Love that smile!!


  1. I am SO happy to see this post. I can't tell you the times I've told your story and asked others to keep you in their thoughts and prayers. It's unimaginable what you've been through, but I know holding and cuddling with Lane has to be your favorite thing!

    I'm happy to hear he's doing so well, and I wish I could offer some words of comfort. Just know that I think of you often.

    My girls have been home almost 10 months now and are doing fantastic! They are 5 and 7 and just changing every day. They've had so much trauma in their lives, and watching them heal has been the most rewarding thing ever!

    Hope the case resolves soon and you get to move on with life.


  2. Hi there! I started following your blog on the WTE- TTC Board (not sure if you remember me). I am from Richmond, VA and have a 6 month old little girl named Bailey. I can't imagine what you're going through, but if you ever would like a mommy playdate, we'd love to show you around Richmond! :) My blog is

  3. SO HAPPY to see you post!
    he is so big! I cant believe it!
    still praying for you & your family
    never have stopped.
    hope too see a post soooner then later!

  4. SO glad to see you post!

    I can't imagine what you have been through. But you know I think of you often and always continue to pray for you.

    I hope the case wraps up for you soon. Although I know there is no justice in that either....

    Becoming new parents changes the relationship for you as a couple. I can't help but think the accident and grief, etc could not have helped that transition either.

    Lane is ADORABLE! That goes without saying! I can't believe he is already 9 months old! WOW time flies!

    I hope you blog if you have time... but I get it!

  5. *hugs* Just so you know - I think about Lucas often as well. He will never be forgotten, he will always be loved and missed by even those who never "knew" him. He was able to touch many in his short life - more than you may think.

    I am glad to hear you're doing better and loving seeing how big Lane is getting. I hope that through all of the emotional upheveal you're going through that your love for your husband & child trump everything else.

    Glad to see you back.

  6. Girl you have no idea how happy I was to hear from you yesterday!! I have thought about you and your family and prayed for all of you so many times these past few months. It's good to see how much Lane has grown! He's absolutely adorable!! I know you are still dealing with a lot but I hope you stick around the blogging world. We missed you!!

  7. I am also so glad to see your post!!! And of course your pics, so cute!!! Please keep us 'posted' on how you are doing, and Lane! Think of you often.

  8. I was just wondering about you and how you were doing. Courtney told me you had moved. I know how hard it is when you feel that piece of your family missing. I wish I had good advice for you, but sadly I don't. All I can say is that you will find your "new normal." And the short tempers thing? While I'm sure it's exacerbated by missing Lucas, I think most new parents are like that - I know Bryan and I are.

    Lane is so freaking adorable! I hope you find some more time to blog - I love seeing his picture :)

    Lots of love and happy thoughts heading your way. Remember, if you ever want to talk, just let me know. Courtney has all my info. *hug*

  9. Oh Lane is just gorgeous! Such a sweet smile! <3 I'm happy to see your post - I've thought of you many times since your accident ( I'm on the November boards on WTE). I am so terribly sorry for what happened to Lucas, I can't imagine how you all have suffered. I hope you can find the solace and peace you need through loving Lane.
    Sending lots of warm thoughts from Florida, the Meadows family.

  10. Been checking your page almost weekly and so glad to see your back. Your lil man is precious. Hope to see more of him in your blog!

  11. You're still in our thoughts. I know I'm not the only one who stops by to check up on you and your family. I know it's been a year now and you're probably reliving much of the pain, while trying to celebrate the first birthday of your sweet surviving child. Know you still have lots of support out here in the land of the web <3