Thursday, May 6, 2010

Trying NOT to drive myself insane

So again I must apologize, I know I have been MIA... I'm a bad blogger now. I went from writing almost every day to barely once a week. But, trust me when I say, it's for your own good. These past couple of weeks have been rough on me, and the last thing I wanted to do was pounce on my blog and bitch about it. But then I realized, "Hey, that's why I started blogging in the first place..." It just makes me feel a little guilty, because I went from suffering through IF treatments, and now that I am pregnant, I feel like I have no right to complain. But, on the flipside, I really feel like I need to use this outlet to get some things off my mind.

I want to start by saying I am 100% happy and excited to become a mom. It's what we wanted for almost a year and half, and I'm so happy to finally be there. I am still really nervous about having twins, but I know it will still be a fun and exciting (albeit stressful) journey for our family to be.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a multitude of other things as well... I just came to the realization yesterday that I have hit some sort of depression, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

What do I have to be depressed about, you may ask... well, I at least have the insight to see that all the things I get upset over are stupid, plain and simple. They don't matter, but for some reason, it brings me down. The biggest thing right now that I am dealing with is weight. Now, I haven't really gained more than a pound or so over the last 12 weeks, but I definitely have a bump forming. I am fine with that (happy, even), but now I notice my arms looking bigger, and my face, and my BUTT, and I suddenly feel like crying because I am such a fat cow.
My weight has always been a sensitive subject. I was really small in high school and college, and very active, but in my last year of college (while finishing up my second degree), I started working at a local restaurant, stopped working out all together, and gained a lot of weight... I'm talking, like, 50+ pounds. This was back in 2004-2005. Ever since then, my weight has been an issue and a struggle. Right before our wedding in 2007, I lost about 30 lbs, then gained it all back (plus some) in our first year. Then in May 2008, I started Weight Watchers, and over the course of a year, I lost everything I had ever gained, more than 50 lbs, and I was so happy. Last summer was the first time since college I was happy in a bathing suit. I didn't have my college figure back, but I am logical enough to know that will never happen, but I was happy and healthy and active.
One of my biggest incentives for losing the weight was to be healthier when we got pregnant. I was really hoping to be one of those girls who becomes all belly and looks so cute pregnant... and then, we didn't get pregnant... and then the IF treatments started, and over the course of Sept 2009 to March 2010, when we finally conceived, I gained about 20 lbs back.

Now, I know, it’s not that bad, but I keep finding myself in tears over this... I worked so hard and it makes me feel like I let it all go, and became lazy. I know the medications and the hormones did contribute a lot, but I feel like I caused this, making my body an unhealthy environment for my babies. Now, all I can see is a girl who is 20 lbs overweight (even though, really, I'm not overweight...this is that logical part of me), and who is just going to be fatter as the pregnancy progresses. I already hate having pictures taken of me, and I'm scared I'll miss out on documenting this pregnancy because I am too worried about how fat my face looks.

So I flip from feeling depressed to feeling guilty... and why guilty, you may ask? Well, because all I want to do right now is diet and exercise, which I know is bad. It's selfish. Now is not the time to try and lose weight. Pregnancy is not the time to start working out for hours a day and cutting out food, not to mention I still have NO energy to do either of these things. But I can't help feeling like this.

So, that's where my head it at right now. I'm hoping that once my belly gets a little more pronounced, I won't be so upset, but right now, this has taken over my mind. It's all I think about... to the point that when people around me talk about the pregnancy, I get all awkward and say stupid things like, "But I'm having twins, so I'm supposed to show sooner". When, really, no one cares or has even noticed, it's ALL ME.
ANYWAY, if you happen to even still be reading, I apologize for this terribly long rant, its just that I have been keeping it all to myself and I was about to explode. On a more positive note, I have my NT scan tomorrow, and will get to see the babies again! I'm so excited to see how much they have grown over the past 4 weeks. I wish it wasn't too early to determine the sex(es), but hopefully we will know next month, fingers crossed. BTW, I'd be lying if I said I also had a lot of nerves about tomorrow's appointment too, but that's the crazy girl in me. I have of course convinced myself that something has gone wrong, since many of my symptoms have diminished a couple weeks ago.... but hopefully the fact that I am still insane is a sign I am still happily pregnant. Once I see them tomorrow, I think I will finally let myself relax and believe this is real!

1 comment:

  1. Rant away :) I too feel like I had suffered from depression during my first 16 or so weeks. For various reasons... but I had my low points. Which is not helped at all by the raging hormone changes in our bodies.

    *hugs* and praying for a great appt tomorrow! I have my glucose test... crossing my own fingers :)