I HATE my breasts... they are failing me, and all it does is make me feel guilty. Even when I was expecting two mouths to feed, I was planning to breastfeed as much as possible, and only supplement as needed. Now, it seems like the opposite.. like I am only supplementing with breastmilk.
Even with everything that happened to me, I still worked really, REALLY hard. The second I came to my senses in the hospital, I asked for a pump, and when I was transferred to another hospital for rehab, I still kept it up as much as possible. I even thought I was doing good, getting several ounces (2-3) each time I pumped. I knew I should be pumping more often, but it was hard with all my rehab and the drugs that I was on, so I just did the best I could, knowing it might not be enough.
Then it just started to turn south. I tried Fenugreek, and eating oatmeal, and lots of water, and pumping all the time, but I just kept getting less and less. I told myself, "well, I just need to get him to latch on, then my milk will come in" because that's what the lactation consultant said. Well, that was a battle in itself, and we would both get so frustrated. He only latched on a couple times, but most just screamed at me. So, I gave up... and now, I can only pump out 10-30 mL (basically 1 ounce or less) each time I pump.
Its so frustrating, because I feel like I am letting Lane and myself down. Not to mention it is SO hard for my husband to understand. He sees that I can't pump enough, but he thinks I didn't try hard enough to get Lane latched on. OK, fine, I'll agree with him, maybe I gave up to fast, but it was just really frustrating with everything else on my plate. All I want to hear from him is that its OK to give up on pumping. Not that I would, but I just want to know he'd support me if I did.
So, my battle is still on. I still try with pumping, but really only get enough every two days for one feeding. Is it even worth it?? Ughh!!!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Catching Up...
I can't believe its been almost two months since my accident, and since the delivery of my sweet baby boys. So much has happened since then. I, of course, have tons to share, but have been so busy that I haven't really had the time. I'll try to catch everyone up now and will try to be better in blogging now that that's have started to calm down a bit.
As you all know, I had a very serious accident in early October at 33w4d pregnant. As a result, I had an emergency c-section for the delivery of my twin boys, Lucas and Lane. Sadly, Lucas did not make it, due to severe brain damage that had him in a coma since his birth. We took him off life support at 7 days old. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I never knew loss or grief like that, and I still haven't dealt with it 100%. I'm not sure I ever will, but I know that my feelings on the subject are best saved for a post of its own, especially in the event anyone else out there experiences something similar. We were fortunate enough to have the group "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" present to capture photographs of Eric and me with Lucas, which we will cherish forever. We haven't brought ourselves to look at them yet, but we were sent the disk. Its something my husband and I will do together when we are both ready.
On a happier note, Lane is doing wonderfully. He spent about a month in the NICU. While his overall growth was great, his lungs were (and still are) very immature, which caused him to have several "spells" of desats while in the hospital (in other words, he would stop/slow his breathing so much that his oxygen levels would significantly drop). As a result, he was sent home on an apnea monitor when he left. The monitor, in itself, was a trial and an experience. The entire first day it would alarm non-stop, but never due to an apnea issue. All the alarms were due to the leads falling off. Luckily, the in-home nurse who came to check on him gave us some tape that solved the issue. He now only needs to wear the monitor when he sleeps at night or if we are not in the room with him, and he will likely be off the monitor next week. The funny thing is I am scared to take him off. Its been annoying to deal with but its always been a safety feature to know he is breathing!!
In other Lane news, he is growing wonderfully. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz when born, and now weighs 7 lbs 15 oz (at 8 weeks old). He completely cracks me up. He is such a happy baby, except after meals, as he has some reflux issues. As a result, he is now on Zantac twice a day. Its helping some, but he is still uncomfortable after each meal, and spits up all the time. Its a work in progress to find the right medication for him.
Now, on to me. I had a laundry list of issues as a result of the accident, including several broken bones (pelvis, left collar bone and shoulder, several ribs and vertebra, and tailbone) and what is called a mild TBI, or traumatic brain injury, a.k.a. brain bleed. The TBI is actually why I blacked out after the accident and can't remember several things, including my first days in the hospital. After spending a few days in the trauma ICU, I was moved to the surgery tower. I had surgery on my pelvic bone and now have two huge screws holding it together. After a week, I was transferred to another hospital, away from my baby, to a rehab specific hospital, where I spent several hours a day learning to walk and other skills. When I left after two weeks, I could walk with a walker, as I could not put weights on my left side, and I had a wheelchair for longer distances (for instance, visiting Lane in the NICU, since he was there for about a week after I was released). Now I can put weight on my left side, but I still am using the walker. I started outpatient PT today and will hopefully be moving to a cane in the next week or so.
I've had a lot of help since my accident. My husband was out of work on leave to help, and I wouldn't be able to make it without him. I know how stressful it must have been for him, but he really did everything in the world for me, including turning our dining room into a little bedroom for Lane and me since I can't get upstairs. My mom has also been a huge help. She lives out of town, but has spent a lot of time with us, and she will be coming next week since Eric will be going back to work. I'm out of work on disability until March, and may even stay out after it ends, to be with Lane.
Like I said, a lot has been going on in the past two months, but I felt like I couldn't start back my blogging until I caught everyone up. Even with everything that happened, I do feel blessed. I am lucky to be alive, especially when I see pictures of my car! I'm lucky to have a happy and healthy son, even if it wasn't exactly what I planned and prepared for. I'm lucky for my husband, my family, and my friends. So many people have reached out to us, with food, and maid services, and many other things. I didn't know so many people cared, but I truly feel blessed. It doesn't mean I don't have pity parties, because I do, but they pass and have becoming fewer and farther between.
So that is everything... and I'm going to work to keep up with blogging from here on out. I want to share everything I think and feel, because hearing from others who went though something similar has been helpful for me, and I want to be helpful to others. I have so many thoughts on grief and loss, and struggles, and blessings, but I also want to document Lane's life and growth.
Talk to you all soon! (and hopefully my futures posts won't be so long!!)
As you all know, I had a very serious accident in early October at 33w4d pregnant. As a result, I had an emergency c-section for the delivery of my twin boys, Lucas and Lane. Sadly, Lucas did not make it, due to severe brain damage that had him in a coma since his birth. We took him off life support at 7 days old. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I never knew loss or grief like that, and I still haven't dealt with it 100%. I'm not sure I ever will, but I know that my feelings on the subject are best saved for a post of its own, especially in the event anyone else out there experiences something similar. We were fortunate enough to have the group "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" present to capture photographs of Eric and me with Lucas, which we will cherish forever. We haven't brought ourselves to look at them yet, but we were sent the disk. Its something my husband and I will do together when we are both ready.
On a happier note, Lane is doing wonderfully. He spent about a month in the NICU. While his overall growth was great, his lungs were (and still are) very immature, which caused him to have several "spells" of desats while in the hospital (in other words, he would stop/slow his breathing so much that his oxygen levels would significantly drop). As a result, he was sent home on an apnea monitor when he left. The monitor, in itself, was a trial and an experience. The entire first day it would alarm non-stop, but never due to an apnea issue. All the alarms were due to the leads falling off. Luckily, the in-home nurse who came to check on him gave us some tape that solved the issue. He now only needs to wear the monitor when he sleeps at night or if we are not in the room with him, and he will likely be off the monitor next week. The funny thing is I am scared to take him off. Its been annoying to deal with but its always been a safety feature to know he is breathing!!
In other Lane news, he is growing wonderfully. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz when born, and now weighs 7 lbs 15 oz (at 8 weeks old). He completely cracks me up. He is such a happy baby, except after meals, as he has some reflux issues. As a result, he is now on Zantac twice a day. Its helping some, but he is still uncomfortable after each meal, and spits up all the time. Its a work in progress to find the right medication for him.
Now, on to me. I had a laundry list of issues as a result of the accident, including several broken bones (pelvis, left collar bone and shoulder, several ribs and vertebra, and tailbone) and what is called a mild TBI, or traumatic brain injury, a.k.a. brain bleed. The TBI is actually why I blacked out after the accident and can't remember several things, including my first days in the hospital. After spending a few days in the trauma ICU, I was moved to the surgery tower. I had surgery on my pelvic bone and now have two huge screws holding it together. After a week, I was transferred to another hospital, away from my baby, to a rehab specific hospital, where I spent several hours a day learning to walk and other skills. When I left after two weeks, I could walk with a walker, as I could not put weights on my left side, and I had a wheelchair for longer distances (for instance, visiting Lane in the NICU, since he was there for about a week after I was released). Now I can put weight on my left side, but I still am using the walker. I started outpatient PT today and will hopefully be moving to a cane in the next week or so.
I've had a lot of help since my accident. My husband was out of work on leave to help, and I wouldn't be able to make it without him. I know how stressful it must have been for him, but he really did everything in the world for me, including turning our dining room into a little bedroom for Lane and me since I can't get upstairs. My mom has also been a huge help. She lives out of town, but has spent a lot of time with us, and she will be coming next week since Eric will be going back to work. I'm out of work on disability until March, and may even stay out after it ends, to be with Lane.
Like I said, a lot has been going on in the past two months, but I felt like I couldn't start back my blogging until I caught everyone up. Even with everything that happened, I do feel blessed. I am lucky to be alive, especially when I see pictures of my car! I'm lucky to have a happy and healthy son, even if it wasn't exactly what I planned and prepared for. I'm lucky for my husband, my family, and my friends. So many people have reached out to us, with food, and maid services, and many other things. I didn't know so many people cared, but I truly feel blessed. It doesn't mean I don't have pity parties, because I do, but they pass and have becoming fewer and farther between.
So that is everything... and I'm going to work to keep up with blogging from here on out. I want to share everything I think and feel, because hearing from others who went though something similar has been helpful for me, and I want to be helpful to others. I have so many thoughts on grief and loss, and struggles, and blessings, but I also want to document Lane's life and growth.
Talk to you all soon! (and hopefully my futures posts won't be so long!!)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Because It Only Takes a Moment to Change Your World...
I know that many of you are wondering where I have been these past two weeks. Some of you are aware of the events that have come to pass, but I am starting to feel like I am in a place to share with you my story. This could be long, it will be sad, and it may border on graphic, but regardless, I wanted to share my story.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, on Thursday October 7th, my life was changed forever. I decided to leave work a few minutes early to go by the mall and pick up some long sleeved maternity shirts. It was a quick, in and out trip... or so I had thought.
As I left the mall, I waited at my light to take the left hand turn that would take me home. When my light turned green, I saw the other cars around me stop, and so I pulled out. And there waiting for me was am ambulance, although I didn't know it at the time. I saw it for only a split second, then there was darkness. I woke to being cut out of the car, while a woman spoke to me, asking me questions.
All I could scream was that I was pregnant. No matter how much I knew they already knew didn't matter. I needed to be sure. The second thing I can remember was trying to give Eric's name and number. He needed to be there. I knew what was going to happen, and he had to be there...
I couldn't tell them my name, nor could I relay what happened (that came later), but I needed my boys to be OK. I could tell the doctor's were worried as we were rushed into the O.R. There was no time to prepare; as I started to cry, they put me under. I woke up soon afterwards in the Trauma ICU, very aware of what had happened and how much pain I was in. While making my left hand turn, a private emergency transport vehicle T-boned me directly on the driver's side.
The doctors (with Eric) went through my laundry list of broken bones: left collar bone, left shoulder, several ribs on the left side, several cracked vertebra, tail bone, and pelvic bone (into three pieces), along with some bleeding in my brain. Of all the broken bones, the only one considered operable was the pelvic bone, which would need to wait until Saturday.
It wasn't until I made it very clear how much I didn't care about my injuries that I was taken seriously and told how my boys were. Both were delivered via emergency c-section at 33w4d. Lane, a.k.a. Baby B, was relatively good. He was taken to the NICU and put into an isolette to control his temperature. He had a CT scan along with some other tests but overall was very good. Lucas, on the other hand, was not so well. It became very obvious why they hadn't filled me in on his condition yet.. it simply wasn't good. Eric wanted to tell me... he wanted to take me to him. I knew something very serious was wrong.
My poor boy was low in my pelvis when the accident happened, and he was crushed. As a result, he had severe brain damage and never woke from his coma. We waited for several days to see if anything would change, but it didn't. We baptized him early Thursday morning, then had several pictures taken (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/) before stopping his ventilator. Eric and I then held him, cried, comforted each other... for hours. Together in our sadness. Until his last breath and heartbeat.
There is still so much to say but I am pushing on my own abilities, fighting back tears and exhaustion. Lucas was cremated today and we will have someone pick him up soon. I bought a necklace to keep some of his ashes with me forever, and should be here tomorrow. I stayed in the same hospital as Lane until Friday when I was transferred to another rehab specific hospital. I spend 3-4 hours a day working one of one with physical or occupational therapists, as well as some individual exercises. I will likely be here for another two weeks before going home, after which I will have someone come to my house several times a week. I'm currently in a wheelchair but am learning to walk (and will hopefully do so by the end of the year).
Honestly, I am not ready to deal with my loss. I have lost a son, I know that. He was beautiful, and I prayed harder than ever before, but right now, my focus has to be on getting better, and providing for Lane, who is still in the NICU. I'm just not ready to deal with it, because by doing so, I'll be letting other things in as well. Other things like the blame... blame of myself, blame of the driver. Or the 'what next?'s. I can't let myself feel so broken right now.
That's all for tonight. I can't do much more. But I will continue to post. You need to know more about Lane. You need to know more about Lucas. It will all come in time.
Love you all.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, on Thursday October 7th, my life was changed forever. I decided to leave work a few minutes early to go by the mall and pick up some long sleeved maternity shirts. It was a quick, in and out trip... or so I had thought.
As I left the mall, I waited at my light to take the left hand turn that would take me home. When my light turned green, I saw the other cars around me stop, and so I pulled out. And there waiting for me was am ambulance, although I didn't know it at the time. I saw it for only a split second, then there was darkness. I woke to being cut out of the car, while a woman spoke to me, asking me questions.
All I could scream was that I was pregnant. No matter how much I knew they already knew didn't matter. I needed to be sure. The second thing I can remember was trying to give Eric's name and number. He needed to be there. I knew what was going to happen, and he had to be there...
I couldn't tell them my name, nor could I relay what happened (that came later), but I needed my boys to be OK. I could tell the doctor's were worried as we were rushed into the O.R. There was no time to prepare; as I started to cry, they put me under. I woke up soon afterwards in the Trauma ICU, very aware of what had happened and how much pain I was in. While making my left hand turn, a private emergency transport vehicle T-boned me directly on the driver's side.
The doctors (with Eric) went through my laundry list of broken bones: left collar bone, left shoulder, several ribs on the left side, several cracked vertebra, tail bone, and pelvic bone (into three pieces), along with some bleeding in my brain. Of all the broken bones, the only one considered operable was the pelvic bone, which would need to wait until Saturday.
It wasn't until I made it very clear how much I didn't care about my injuries that I was taken seriously and told how my boys were. Both were delivered via emergency c-section at 33w4d. Lane, a.k.a. Baby B, was relatively good. He was taken to the NICU and put into an isolette to control his temperature. He had a CT scan along with some other tests but overall was very good. Lucas, on the other hand, was not so well. It became very obvious why they hadn't filled me in on his condition yet.. it simply wasn't good. Eric wanted to tell me... he wanted to take me to him. I knew something very serious was wrong.
My poor boy was low in my pelvis when the accident happened, and he was crushed. As a result, he had severe brain damage and never woke from his coma. We waited for several days to see if anything would change, but it didn't. We baptized him early Thursday morning, then had several pictures taken (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/) before stopping his ventilator. Eric and I then held him, cried, comforted each other... for hours. Together in our sadness. Until his last breath and heartbeat.
There is still so much to say but I am pushing on my own abilities, fighting back tears and exhaustion. Lucas was cremated today and we will have someone pick him up soon. I bought a necklace to keep some of his ashes with me forever, and should be here tomorrow. I stayed in the same hospital as Lane until Friday when I was transferred to another rehab specific hospital. I spend 3-4 hours a day working one of one with physical or occupational therapists, as well as some individual exercises. I will likely be here for another two weeks before going home, after which I will have someone come to my house several times a week. I'm currently in a wheelchair but am learning to walk (and will hopefully do so by the end of the year).
Honestly, I am not ready to deal with my loss. I have lost a son, I know that. He was beautiful, and I prayed harder than ever before, but right now, my focus has to be on getting better, and providing for Lane, who is still in the NICU. I'm just not ready to deal with it, because by doing so, I'll be letting other things in as well. Other things like the blame... blame of myself, blame of the driver. Or the 'what next?'s. I can't let myself feel so broken right now.
That's all for tonight. I can't do much more. But I will continue to post. You need to know more about Lane. You need to know more about Lucas. It will all come in time.
Love you all.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Baby Holden Page
Exciting news to share! My nephew, Holden Page, was born on Friday, October 1st. He was 7 lbs 10 oz and 19.5 inches long. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to officially meet him, because I am on travel restrictions, but I was lucky enough to Skype with my sister and the little man on Saturday night. He is adorable. He has the cutest chubby cheeks. I cannot wait to hold and squeeze and spoil him to bits!
I don't have any pictures right now, but hopefully someone will send me some soon and I can share with you, but I just wanted to share the big news. The first grandson in our family is here, and two more will be on the way shortly. My parents will have their hands full with three grandsons only one month apart.
I don't have any pictures right now, but hopefully someone will send me some soon and I can share with you, but I just wanted to share the big news. The first grandson in our family is here, and two more will be on the way shortly. My parents will have their hands full with three grandsons only one month apart.
Son of a....
Ugh, I'm so pissed. I made it almost 34 weeks without a single stretch mark, and must have gotten a bit cocky about that, because they have shown up. All weekend, the underside of my stomach (to the left of my navel, and area I cannot see) was itching like crazy. I finally got out some mirrors to check it out, and there they were, two little stretch marks. Its nothing too terrible yet, but I'm sure this is just the start. Apparently all the "lubing up" and excessive water drinking didn't help. I thought I'd be lucky, considering my mom did not get stretch marks, but doesn't seem so. Oh well!!
I've also hit hard into the "third trimester insomnia". I've had to start taking a Benadryl at night to sleep, but even last night that didn't help. I think I got a combined total of 30 minutes of sleep. Its making today pretty rough!
Other than that, there really isn't much going on right now (just trying to stay off my feet... have to make it through this week to stay on track with my FMLA plans). We had planned to take care of a lot of baby related items this weekend, but ended up just spending time with Layla. She was doing really good this weekend, but got sick this morning. The hardest part for us right now is the waiting. We have no idea when the cancer is really going to hit her. It could be tonight, it could be next month. Its causing a lot of stress, both because the idea of her passing away breaks our heart, but also because the babies are expected in about a month. It really is the worst timing we could ever have. It wouldn't be easy regardless, but the timing definitely makes it even harder. Our biggest fear is that I will go into labor right at the same time she has another collapse.
I've also hit hard into the "third trimester insomnia". I've had to start taking a Benadryl at night to sleep, but even last night that didn't help. I think I got a combined total of 30 minutes of sleep. Its making today pretty rough!
Other than that, there really isn't much going on right now (just trying to stay off my feet... have to make it through this week to stay on track with my FMLA plans). We had planned to take care of a lot of baby related items this weekend, but ended up just spending time with Layla. She was doing really good this weekend, but got sick this morning. The hardest part for us right now is the waiting. We have no idea when the cancer is really going to hit her. It could be tonight, it could be next month. Its causing a lot of stress, both because the idea of her passing away breaks our heart, but also because the babies are expected in about a month. It really is the worst timing we could ever have. It wouldn't be easy regardless, but the timing definitely makes it even harder. Our biggest fear is that I will go into labor right at the same time she has another collapse.
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