A YEAR!

I know, I know; insert typical “sorry I’ve been MIA” comment. Honestly, I just never seem to have the time! After Lane was born, I was busy with healing and being a stay-at-home mom. And now since returning to work this summer, it’s been even harder. I used to be able to take some time during the day at my old job to post (yup, being a good little employee, lol), but now, I’m not usually with a computer, and once I get home, I’m trying to make the most of my few hours with Lane that I just forget. That said, I think I am actually getting into a position where I’ll have time to post more often, so hopefully you’ll be seeing more from me in the future (you know you’re excited). Now onto the goods…

First and foremost, it’s been a year… actually, it’s been MORE than a year, but I was too engulfed in my feelings earlier this month to even consider posting about them. October 7th of this year was exciting and upsetting, happy and sad… Eric and I tried our best to focus on Lane but also didn’t want it to seem like we had forgotten or moved on from the loss of Lucas. As a result, we decided to start a new tradition in lighting wish lanterns from October 7th to October 14th in honor of the 7 days Lucas was with us. And out of the 7 nights of lanterns, we only had one potential fire issue, so that was a pretty good record (for those wondering, night six’s lantern got swept up in a gust and stuck in a tree in our backyard...). We are planning to keep this tradition going year after year. I know Lane is too young to understand the sentiment right now, but he enjoyed watching.

And Lane is getting so big! At his 12 month check up, he was 31.5 inches long and 22 lbs 4 oz… 40th percentile for weight, 97th for height… a long and skinny boy!! I was getting progressively worried as the months went by that he wasn’t crawling yet, but at 11 months, he finally started and he’s been into everything since. That’s one piece of advice I have for everyone; all children are different and do things at different times. I know that he was technically 9 months corrected, but I was still watching all my friend’s kids or other kids at day care surpass Lane, and it automatically would instill a fear that he obviously had some neurological disorder brought on by the accident.

If you’re anything like me… simma down. I drove myself nuts, and I still do it all the time and have to smack myself to stop. Just because he is a little behind does not mean he has any issues or is hurt.

Well, time to get back to it, but I wanted to share a few pics of Lane with you guys so you can see what a handsome little fella is he becoming. Hope to talk to you guys soon!!

At Chili Cookoff!!

Richmond Folk Festival

Halloween!!

P.S. In my experience, I’ve notice there have been a lot of people in my personal life that have had questions about a number of things… the accident, Lucas, how either has effected me, having more children, etc, but are understandably uncomfortable to ask. I want to put it out there now that it doesn’t bother me. I haven’t had a question yet that has made me overly uncomfortable, and I actually find it therapeutic to talk about it most of the time. So, that said, if any of you have questions (not that you do, but like I said, putting it out there), please feel free to ask in the comments. It might make for an interesting post in the near future. Again, do not feel bad asking… I know there are lots of things that people are curious about!

Six months gone by...

Wow... I cannot believe six months have gone by since my last post, and I'm the mother of an eight month old (tomorrow, anyway).  Time has really flown.  You may wonder why I haven't been around, and frankly, there are several reasons.  One being I just don't have the time like I used to!  Funny enough, at my old job, I was able to blog practically daily, but now that I'm at home with Lane, its like I have zero time.  However, time constraints aside, I just haven't had it in me.  Several blogs that I follow are twin mommy blogs, and every time I log in, its just a reminder of what could have been.  When everything happened in October, I told myself I would put everything out there so that others who may experience loss could know they aren't alone, but sometimes its harder than I imagined.

As far as what's been going on, Lane is doing GREAT!  He's getting so big, and I can't wait for his 9 month appointment to get new measurements.  He's rolling around, learning to sit, eating solids three times a day, and is very, very vocal (just like his mommy and daddy).  As far as me, I'm getting better everyday.  I have been through a lot of physical therapy and am still in pain daily, but I can get around so much better.  Like I said before, I'm currently a stay at home mom, but that is mostly because I was laid off while out on disability and have yet to find another job.  As a result of that, and the accident, my husband and I decided to relocate to Richmond, VA, so we could be closer to family and, frankly, farther away from DC.

Our lawsuit is still ongoing, mostly because we are waiting on the state charges to go to court.  Its been delayed several times over the past few months for one reason or another, and now is scheduled for later this month.  I'm hoping that it isn't continued again because I'm ready to get this over with, and we can't proceed with our civil suit until he is formally charged by the state.

Honestly, I wish I could say I'm back to my old self or even partly there, but I'm not, and I'm not sure I ever will be.  What we went through literally has changed us.  While my husband and I are great support systems for each other, I'd be lying to say there has never been any strain on our relationship since the accident.  We have shorter tempers and get frustrated more easily, and seem to always take it out on each other. But at the same time, we are there for each other in ways we never were before.  We both cherish Lane like you could never imagine, but also feel that hole like something is missing... because it is, HE is.  This was not how our life was supposed to be, but its what we were given.

I think about Lucas, daily.  Looking at Lane, I can't help but think what he would look like, how he would act.  He is the missing piece in our family, but I feel like I have to suppress that so I can give Lane everything he deserves in life.  I just want to be a good mother to him, and protect him, because I wasn't able to protect them like I should have.  Yes, I blame myself, but how can I not? No I wasn't driving the vehicle that crashed into me, and no I wasn't the one to run the red light, but I could have changed something to avoid it from happening... and even if that isn't true or realistic, I can't help feeling that way.  It was my job to protect them and I failed. 

I don't want to end this on a sad note, though, so instead, I wanted the share a few pictures of Lane, so you can see how big he is now!  I'll leave you saying that I hope to get back into blogging more regularly, but I don't want to make any promises.  I've already missed six months of new mom-ship that I had hoped to share, but I hope to find the time to keep you up to date on the future.

 Out for a walk in our new jogging stroller (no, I don't jog, my bones can't handle it, but I do love trying to get out and about as a form of therapy)

 Sitting up!! It only lasted about a minute but it was a big milestone!

My handsome man!! Love that smile!!

Catching Up...

I can't believe its been almost two months since my accident, and since the delivery of my sweet baby boys.  So much has happened since then.  I, of course, have tons to share, but have been so busy that I haven't really had the time.  I'll try to catch everyone up now and will try to be better in blogging now that that's have started to calm down a bit.

As you all know, I had a very serious accident in early October at 33w4d pregnant.  As a result, I had an emergency c-section for the delivery of my twin boys, Lucas and Lane.  Sadly, Lucas did not make it, due to severe brain damage that had him in a coma since his birth.  We took him off life support at 7 days old.  It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through.  I never knew loss or grief like that, and I still haven't dealt with it 100%.  I'm not sure I ever will, but I know that my feelings on the subject are best saved for a post of its own, especially in the event anyone else out there experiences something similar.  We were fortunate enough to have the group "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" present to capture photographs of Eric and me with Lucas, which we will cherish forever.  We haven't brought ourselves to look at them yet, but we were sent the disk. Its something my husband and I will do together when we are both ready.

On a happier note, Lane is doing wonderfully.  He spent about a month in the NICU.  While his overall growth was great, his lungs were (and still are) very immature, which caused him to have several "spells" of desats while in the hospital (in other words, he would stop/slow his breathing so much that his oxygen levels would significantly drop).  As a result, he was sent home on an apnea monitor when he left.  The monitor, in itself, was a trial and an experience.  The entire first day it would alarm non-stop, but never due to an apnea issue.  All the alarms were due to the leads falling off.  Luckily, the in-home nurse who came to check on him gave us some tape that solved the issue.  He now only needs to wear the monitor when he sleeps at night or if we are not in the room with him, and he will likely be off the monitor next week.  The funny thing is I am scared to take him off.  Its been annoying to deal with but its always been a safety feature to know he is breathing!!

In other Lane news, he is growing wonderfully.  He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz when born, and now weighs 7 lbs 15 oz (at 8 weeks old).  He completely cracks me up.  He is such a happy baby, except after meals, as he has some reflux issues.  As a result, he is now on Zantac twice a day.  Its helping some, but he is still uncomfortable after each meal, and spits up all the time.  Its a work in progress to find the right medication for him.

Now, on to me.  I had a laundry list of issues as a result of the accident, including several broken bones (pelvis, left collar bone and shoulder, several ribs and vertebra, and tailbone) and what is called a mild TBI, or traumatic brain injury, a.k.a. brain bleed.  The TBI is actually why I blacked out after the accident and can't remember several things, including my first days in the hospital.  After spending a few days in the trauma ICU, I was moved to the surgery tower.  I had surgery on my pelvic bone and now have two huge screws holding it together.  After a week, I was transferred to another hospital, away from my baby, to a rehab specific hospital, where I spent several hours a day learning to walk and other skills.  When I left after two weeks, I could walk with a walker, as I could not put weights on my left side, and I had a wheelchair for longer distances (for instance, visiting Lane in the NICU, since he was there for about a week after I was released). Now I can put weight on my left side, but I still am using the walker.  I started outpatient PT today and will hopefully be moving to a cane in the next week or so.

I've had a lot of help since my accident.  My husband was out of work on leave to help, and I wouldn't be able to make it without him.  I know how stressful it must have been for him, but he really did everything in the world for me, including turning our dining room into a little bedroom for Lane and me since I can't get upstairs.  My mom has also been a huge help.  She lives out of town, but has spent a lot of time with us, and she will be coming next week since Eric will be going back to work.  I'm out of work on disability until March, and may even stay out after it ends, to be with Lane. 

Like I said, a lot has been going on in the past two months, but I felt like I couldn't start back my blogging until I caught everyone up.  Even with everything that happened, I do feel blessed.  I am lucky to be alive, especially when I see pictures of my car!  I'm lucky to have a happy and healthy son, even if it wasn't exactly what I planned and prepared for.  I'm lucky for my husband, my family, and my friends.  So many people have reached out to us, with food, and maid services, and many other things.  I didn't know so many people cared, but I truly feel blessed.  It doesn't mean I don't have pity parties, because I do, but they pass and have becoming fewer and farther between.

So that is everything... and I'm going to work to keep up with blogging from here on out.  I want to share everything I think and feel, because hearing from others who went though something similar has been helpful for me, and I want to be helpful to others.  I have so many thoughts on grief and loss, and struggles, and blessings, but I also want to document Lane's life and growth. 

Talk to you all soon!  (and hopefully my futures posts won't be so long!!)

Because It Only Takes a Moment to Change Your World...

I know that many of you are wondering where I have been these past two weeks. Some of you are aware of the events that have come to pass, but I am starting to feel like I am in a place to share with you my story. This could be long, it will be sad, and it may border on graphic, but regardless, I wanted to share my story.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, on Thursday October 7th, my life was changed forever. I decided to leave work a few minutes early to go by the mall and pick up some long sleeved maternity shirts. It was a quick, in and out trip... or so I had thought.

As I left the mall, I waited at my light to take the left hand turn that would take me home. When my light turned green, I saw the other cars around me stop, and so I pulled out. And there waiting for me was am ambulance, although I didn't know it at the time. I saw it for only a split second, then there was darkness. I woke to being cut out of the car, while a woman spoke to me, asking me questions.

All I could scream was that I was pregnant. No matter how much I knew they already knew didn't matter. I needed to be sure. The second thing I can remember was trying to give Eric's name and number. He needed to be there. I knew what was going to happen, and he had to be there...

I couldn't tell them my name, nor could I relay what happened (that came later), but I needed my boys to be OK. I could tell the doctor's were worried as we were rushed into the O.R. There was no time to prepare; as I started to cry, they put me under. I woke up soon afterwards in the Trauma ICU, very aware of what had happened and how much pain I was in. While making my left hand turn, a private emergency transport vehicle T-boned me directly on the driver's side.

The doctors (with Eric) went through my laundry list of broken bones: left collar bone, left shoulder, several ribs on the left side, several cracked vertebra, tail bone, and pelvic bone (into three pieces), along with some bleeding in my brain. Of all the broken bones, the only one considered operable was the pelvic bone, which would need to wait until Saturday.

It wasn't until I made it very clear how much I didn't care about my injuries that I was taken seriously and told how my boys were. Both were delivered via emergency c-section at 33w4d. Lane, a.k.a. Baby B, was relatively good. He was taken to the NICU and put into an isolette to control his temperature. He had a CT scan along with some other tests but overall was very good. Lucas, on the other hand, was not so well. It became very obvious why they hadn't filled me in on his condition yet.. it simply wasn't good. Eric wanted to tell me... he wanted to take me to him. I knew something very serious was wrong.

My poor boy was low in my pelvis when the accident happened, and he was crushed. As a result, he had severe brain damage and never woke from his coma. We waited for several days to see if anything would change, but it didn't. We baptized him early Thursday morning, then had several pictures taken (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/) before stopping his ventilator. Eric and I then held him, cried, comforted each other... for hours. Together in our sadness. Until his last breath and heartbeat.

There is still so much to say but I am pushing on my own abilities, fighting back tears and exhaustion. Lucas was cremated today and we will have someone pick him up soon. I bought a necklace to keep some of his ashes with me forever, and should be here tomorrow. I stayed in the same hospital as Lane until Friday when I was transferred to another rehab specific hospital. I spend 3-4 hours a day working one of one with physical or occupational therapists, as well as some individual exercises. I will likely be here for another two weeks before going home, after which I will have someone come to my house several times a week. I'm currently in a wheelchair but am learning to walk (and will hopefully do so by the end of the year).

Honestly, I am not ready to deal with my loss. I have lost a son, I know that. He was beautiful, and I prayed harder than ever before, but right now, my focus has to be on getting better, and providing for Lane, who is still in the NICU. I'm just not ready to deal with it, because by doing so, I'll be letting other things in as well. Other things like the blame... blame of myself, blame of the driver. Or the 'what next?'s. I can't let myself feel so broken right now.

That's all for tonight. I can't do much more. But I will continue to post. You need to know more about Lane. You need to know more about Lucas. It will all come in time.

Love you all.