The Battle of the Breast

I HATE my breasts... they are failing me, and all it does is make me feel guilty.  Even when I was expecting two mouths to feed, I was planning to breastfeed as much as possible, and only supplement as needed.  Now, it seems like the opposite.. like I am only supplementing with breastmilk.

Even with everything that happened to me, I still worked really, REALLY hard.  The second I came to my senses in the hospital, I asked for a pump, and when I was transferred to another hospital for rehab, I still kept it up as much as possible.  I even thought I was doing good, getting several ounces (2-3) each time I pumped.  I knew I should be pumping more often, but it was hard with all my rehab and the drugs that I was on, so I just did the best I could, knowing it might not be enough. 

Then it just started to turn south.  I tried Fenugreek, and eating oatmeal, and lots of water, and pumping all the time, but I just kept getting less and less.  I told myself, "well, I just need to get him to latch on, then my milk will come in" because that's what the lactation consultant said.  Well, that was a battle in itself, and we would both get so frustrated.  He only latched on a couple times, but most just screamed at me.  So, I gave up... and now, I can only pump out 10-30 mL (basically 1 ounce or less) each time I pump.

Its so frustrating, because I feel like I am letting Lane and myself down.  Not to mention it is SO hard for  my husband to understand.  He sees that I can't pump enough, but he thinks I didn't try hard enough to get Lane latched on.  OK, fine, I'll agree with him, maybe I gave up to fast, but it was just really frustrating with everything else on my plate.  All I want to hear from him is that its OK to give up on pumping.  Not that I would, but I just want to know he'd support me if I did.

So, my battle is still on.  I still try with pumping, but really only get enough every two days for one feeding.  Is it even worth it??  Ughh!!!!