Punch to the Gut

So yesterday, we took the car in to be serviced before leaving for Christmas vacation.  We have yet to buy a second car since the unfortunate destruction of the Mazda last year, but it works out for the most part since Eric works from home.  Annnnnyway, as a result, I had the car shuttle service pick me up from work and take me back to the dealership to get the car.

So, we are driving along and I somehow get on the subject of kids, specifically Lane.  Here's the gist of the convo:

"Blah Blah Blah, like your work?"

"Yes, but I'm happy to be done for the day.  I'm exhausted!  Of course, I have to go home to my second job with my 14 month old."

"Oh, you have twins?"

"What???"

"Twins, right?"

::major pause, insert punch in gut face::

"...no...."



??????????



Really?  I really didn't say ANYTHING to remotely imply twins so where did it come from?  I've said it a hundred times before, but I already feel like I've had my membership to the exclusive club for twin mommies taken away, but I'm typically pretty well adjusted.  But when something like this happens, I have no idea how to react.  What do I say??  "Um, no sir, well, actually, yes sir, only there was this terrible accident and now I just have one son... so, no twins anymore... I know you feel super awkward now but at least I'm not the only one..."

I never know how to react in these situations.  I have a hard enough time not wanting to hate every woman in the world with or expecting twins... I know it isn't THEIR fault that this happened to me, and I know deep down its just jealously looking in on the life I was SUPPOSED to have, but my logically knowing this does not make the feeling go away.  Plain and simple.  Hell, to be honest, sometimes I feel that way towards all mommies-to-be, regardless of multiples or not... it must be some coping mechanism of mine.  I think my own fears of being pregnant again are just starting to rub off on my social interactions...

Mother of the Year Award Goes To...

Sometimes, I feel like such a terrible mom. Really, just downright BAD. Lane cries, and I just want to walk away. Lane knocks over a drink, and I want to scream. Or, the most common, Lane wakes up at 2AM, and I wish he had a snooze button (and sometimes, in my sleep-drunk state, I try to ignore him…).


But in reality, these are all perfectly normal feelings. I’m sure every mom has felt like a terrible mom for this exact same reason(s).

Lucky me, I have two REAL examples of being a terrible mom. And it unnerves me how close together these two occurrences happened…

First off, about a week or so ago, I was giving Lane a bath. Eric and I try to take turns doing this, so the other has a little time to get something else done. On this particular night, he was out running some errands. Lane LOVES the bath. Seriously, he can be cranky and tired and melting down, and you put him in there, he is a new baby. He also loves to stand in the tub. I hate it, it makes me uncomfortable, but he pulls up on everything now and he doesn’t understand why I tell him “no”. Well, that night, we had finished up, and I turned around to pull the water drain and grab a towel, when I hear a terrible squeaky noise followed by a loud thud and lots of screams. Yeah, Lane decided to reach for the soap on the floor and fell OUT OF THE TUB! The whole thing took literally 2 seconds…

Freak out moment number 1.

I had no idea what to do. When does a fall warrant a trip to the emergency room?? Did he break anything or have a concussion? Is he just scared? Seriously, this was a screaming cry I have never heard. So I scooped him up and ran into his room, checked him over, while we both cried. I curled up with him in the rocker to try and soothe him, which did eventually work. After about 5 minutes, he was done crying, but I was still scared. He had none of the symptoms I was told to keep an eye out for, but I spent that whole night checking on him almost hourly to make sure he was OK. All he ended up having was a little red spot on his forehead and nose. He literally landed on is face.

Then a few days later, while in the midst of a terrible teething spell, I had pulled out some teething tablets, gave him two, and set it on a high enough table that I thought they were safe (plus, they have a friggin’ child safety cap). Lane proceeds to play while I do some cleaning up, and after a few minutes, I’ve noticed he has gotten really quiet. I look down at him and he has popped open the bottle and is eating teething tablets like its candy.

Freak out moment number 2.

What the eff?? How did you even manage to do that? I, of course, freak and try to count how many are left so I have an idea how many he has eaten… all while Lane cries that I won’t let him continue to do something that makes him so happy (if you don’t know, these tablets dissolve instantly, and he must have found that very neat). I was able to determine he ate about 10. So I read the box. Doesn’t say a max amount to consume in a day, just says to call Poison Control in case of an accidental overdose.

So I do… and guess what? They LAUGHED at me. That’s right, LAUGHED at the mother who was freaking out. Apparently, you can’t overdose on homeopathic medicines. Then why do you have the number on the friggin’ bottle? Jerks.

So there you have it. My two prime examples of being a “bad mom”. Hope that helps you all feel a little better :)

The Battle of the Breast

I HATE my breasts... they are failing me, and all it does is make me feel guilty.  Even when I was expecting two mouths to feed, I was planning to breastfeed as much as possible, and only supplement as needed.  Now, it seems like the opposite.. like I am only supplementing with breastmilk.

Even with everything that happened to me, I still worked really, REALLY hard.  The second I came to my senses in the hospital, I asked for a pump, and when I was transferred to another hospital for rehab, I still kept it up as much as possible.  I even thought I was doing good, getting several ounces (2-3) each time I pumped.  I knew I should be pumping more often, but it was hard with all my rehab and the drugs that I was on, so I just did the best I could, knowing it might not be enough. 

Then it just started to turn south.  I tried Fenugreek, and eating oatmeal, and lots of water, and pumping all the time, but I just kept getting less and less.  I told myself, "well, I just need to get him to latch on, then my milk will come in" because that's what the lactation consultant said.  Well, that was a battle in itself, and we would both get so frustrated.  He only latched on a couple times, but most just screamed at me.  So, I gave up... and now, I can only pump out 10-30 mL (basically 1 ounce or less) each time I pump.

Its so frustrating, because I feel like I am letting Lane and myself down.  Not to mention it is SO hard for  my husband to understand.  He sees that I can't pump enough, but he thinks I didn't try hard enough to get Lane latched on.  OK, fine, I'll agree with him, maybe I gave up to fast, but it was just really frustrating with everything else on my plate.  All I want to hear from him is that its OK to give up on pumping.  Not that I would, but I just want to know he'd support me if I did.

So, my battle is still on.  I still try with pumping, but really only get enough every two days for one feeding.  Is it even worth it??  Ughh!!!!

32 weeks (or 31w3d to be exact)

Just realized I haven't shared a belly pic in a while, so here you go!

If you haven't noticed before, I "cleverly" hide my face with my cell phone in every shot.  I hate that my face is swollen (along with everything else), so anything I can do to disguise it will be done.  But do you know what doesn't hide it?  Chopping all my hair off!  I've spent the past several months growing out my bangs.  Its been a tedious process that I am still not 100% sure I of (I reallllly do like and miss my bangs), but admittedly, they made me look young and it was time for a change.  They had finally grown out to about my chin, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to make all my hair the same length.  I broke the rule... the "you shouldn't make drastic changes to your appearance when pregnant" rule.  I see now that there is a reason for said rule.  My hair doesn't behave like it did before.  It is genuinely different now that I am pregnant, and it lacks the body needed to pull this off.

Funny enough, this isn't the first time I have made a major hair mistake.  In college, I had a run in with a box of hair dye that made my hair black as night, and I ended up having to color correct it.  Then there was the perm of 2006, where I was convinced to get a wave put into my hair... only my hair reacted poorly (probably because it hadn't fully recovered from the color correction a year or so beforehand), turn into a frizzy, poodle mess, and a lot of the color just drained out.  It was a sad, sad day.  Of course, I took everything I learned from Legally Blonde, jumped in the shower, and tried to wash the perm away, but that just made it worse.  Eric came home from work to find me laying in the bath tub, crying, with a bottle of tine.  My hair has never really recovered (I have to straighten it now because the curls stayed, and I have the worst frizz, especially in this wonderful Virginia humidity).

So in comparison, this really isn't so bad.  It will grow out soon enough, and for the time being I can enjoy only needing about 5 minutes to dry my hair (which is one of my least favorite things to do, along with cleaning the shower).

Disability Claims... to SUCK

Let me tell you, I think the single most annoying thing I have had to do so far is set up my disability claims, which, coincidentally, I did today.  I thought it would be a simple "Hey, I'm knocked up, keep me in mind in the future when I need continued payment", but not so much. 

In an effort to stay "ahead of the game", I decided to forgo the whole "call 30 days before your due date" rule and just call now.  I mean, even though my official due date is 11/21, my scheduled delivery is 11/8, and all my doctors keep telling me the chances of my making it to 11/8 is slim (which really just makes me more anxious... if you can't tell, I really like to have things planned out as much as possible).  But try explaining that to a benefits center.  It went way over their head. 

Then of course, as soon as I get it through to the benefits center what my plan is, I get transferred to the company who covers my short term disability to explain everything I just did to an even more dense person, if that is even possible.  The whole process is two hours of my life that I will never get back.  But at least its mostly over and done (considering I still have to call both of them once the babies are here).


All these rules just drive me nuts.  After more than 5 years of working here, I am covered at 100% pay for 5 months STD, but then that pesky FMLA comes into play, which says regardless of how long I am covered or how much PTO I may have, I can only be out for 12 weeks and expect to have my job waiting for me.  I really want to come back in January (for mostly selfish reasons as I want to be out for the holidays), which means I cannot be out of work any earlier than 10/11, which is slightly less than 3 weeks away.  I have my fingers tightly crossed that nothing happens to put me out any earlier than that, but it would be my luck if it did.  I'm holding on tight to all the stories I have heard about twin mommas lasting until 38-39 weeks.  I hope I am that lucky (if that is the right word... because 6 more weeks seems like hell right now), but at the very least, I need to last until 35-36 weeks without delivery or bedrest to keep my original plan.

Pity and Pampering

I'm starting to think I look like a house.  I didn't think it was that bad, but when I run into people at work or friends I haven't seen in a few weeks (or even random strangers for that matter), they just get this look on their face and exclaim, "Wow, when are you due?!!", like I couldn't possibly make it another second without my water breaking.  Bless Eric, he tries to make me feel better about it, telling me over and over again that I look great and its just because they haven't seen me in a while, but I can't help but think I have trick mirrors at home that have let me believe I look normal.

In other growing news, my feet are still out of control.  The swelling just started a couple weeks ago, but it has gotten out of hand.  When people see me, they first zero in on my stomach, then move down to the feet and go "Aww, you poor thing!".  Yes, my feel look like hams and my ankles may as well be broken, and they are so sore I want to cry, but lets not point it out to the few surrounding people who maybe haven't noticed yet. 

This week, my hands decided to join in on the fun too.  I already couldn't wear my rings, but now I feel like I have arthritis mixed with carpal tunnel... because they are either painful or tingly and asleep.  I don't know what wakes me up more at night now: the lack of blood flow to my hands or my bladder.

Really, I don't mean to whine, because when it comes down to it, I feel pretty good all things considered, but I definitely feel uncomfortable and exhausted.  I want to nest, but I have literally zero energy to do so.  At this rate, the nursery will never be ready!

Lucky for me, I've decided to have a pampering weekend this Saturday.  For my birthday (in March), Eric and my sister gave me a gift certificate to a spa in our area.  I tried to get a massage pretty much immediately, but found out I couldn't  because, at the time, I was only 5 weeks pregnant, and they do not give massages to anyone in the first trimester (which at the time was news to me).  So this weekend will be my prenatal massage, followed by a haircut, and possibly a pedicure.  I cannot wait.  I love me some pampering!! 

Starting to Fall Apart... Physically that is

I've been pretty lucky during my pregnancy.  Really, no issues, and not too much in the way of symptoms.  I had some morning sickness for all of 3 weeks during the first trimester, but that's really been it.  So apparently, I've been too lucky, because I feel like everything is coming in waves now.

(Disclaimer, none of what I am about to list would I consider to be "serious", just annoying).

It of course started last week with my new found emotional issues, but continued on Friday.  Eric and I packed up after work and headed to Lynchburg for my shower weekend (which was awesome, BTW).  We walk into my parent's house after the 3 hour drive, only to have my "cankles" pointed out... by my father no less (I would sooner expect something like this to come from my mother).  I looked down, and boy was he right.  Not only had I lost all definition in my ankles (I'm pretty sure there used to be bones there), but my feet themselves looked like hams.  They were so swollen even the pads of my feet were squishy.  It was disturbing to say the least, and they haven't gone back to normal.  Now the only shoes that fit are flip flops, so I guess I'll be hitting up DSW soon.

The swelling didn't stop there, though.  My hands had to join in the fun.  My wedding rings are officially stored for the duration of the pregnancy, which I HATE more than words can say.  Granted, my fingers were a size 5-5.5 pre-pregnancy, so pretty small.  And I am still probably smaller than a 7 right now, but since my hands overall are pretty small, I feel like I have sausages for fingers right now.  No fun.

Then the icing on the cake came this morning... I was brushing my teeth in my groggy stupor, when I looked in the mirror to see blood dripping down my face.  Yup, first bloody nose... EVER; I was lucky enough to miss out on this fun for the past 28 years.  I have never had a bloody nose before.  Not in my entire life.  I knew it was a common symptom in pregnancy, but I had yet to have to deal with it.  How did I react to this?  The only way a perfectly sane person could... start screaming and run back into the bedroom to frantically ask Eric how to make it stop (I admit, I'm a bit of a baby when it comes to blood).  It stopped pretty quickly, but has gone off and on all day. 

So I can only imagine what other annoying new symptoms I can expect to see in the next 10 to less weeks.  Good times!!

Zero Excuse

Literally, I have NO excuse for not blogging.  I've just been lazy... tired and lazy... and emotional.  This last week has just been weird for me.  For starters, I feel like I am back in the first trimester.  I am tired ALL.THE.TIME.  It never stops.  I'm too lazy to do anything but come home from work and sit on my butt watching Veronica Mars on Netflix streaming.  Its a sad, sad tale.

But that isn't all that's changed in me since hitting trimester numero tres.  Bring on the emotional roller coaster!!  Now, I know it was bound to happen eventually, because I've been pretty sane up until now.  But the high has died and I have become a ticking time bomb.  Case in point, on Tuesday this week, I was flying pretty high.  I was excited for my baby shower this weekend, and had gotten presents from three people that day (two at work, one in the mail) from people who weren't going to be able to make it.  I felt loved and on top of the world.  Thhhennn, I get a message from a friend who was planning to come to my shower from NC saying she would no longer be able to make it... I went from being really happy, to convincing myself I had no friends in the world.  I cried for 45 minutes that night, and for almost the whole next day, I would randomly burst into tears for no reason at all.  It was ridiculous.  And embarrassing.

Now, let me just say, I know I have friends.  I am lucky to have as many friends as I do.  BUT, the hardest thing for me is that they are all so spread out.  Most of my close friends I met in college (as is pretty normal).  Once we all graduated, it seemed like we all spread around the country, so I don't get to see them very often.  My shower this weekend is in Lynchburg, my hometown, which is several hours away from most of my friends. 

Prior to Tuesday, I had exactly two friends who were going to be able to make it; one from Richmond (who I see the most often) and one from NC.  I totally understood why people couldn't make the trip, as for many of them, Lynchburg is several hours away, so I really wasn't trying to be upset.  But the update that my friend from NC could no longer come just sent me over the edge. 

Ever since, I have just felt on edge.  Like I said, all Wednesday, I would just be sitting at my desk, and would randomly start crying.  No trigger or anything, just tears a-pouring.  I hate feeling like this!!!!  I want to go back to being happy all the time and excited about what's to come!  Ugh, I really hope this phases passes... and quickly! 

I am still really excited for this weekend, so I am trying to focus on that.  I'll miss all my friends, but I'll be able to see my family and family friends.  And in two weeks will hopefully be my Blacksburg shower with Eric's family (I say hopefully because the doctor does not want me to travel, and they said we would discuss at my next appoint, which is next Friday... fingers crossed!).  I have so much to be happy about, so I really need to work myself out of this funk!!

On another note, enjoy this week's belly shot!  Based on this week's ultrasound, both boys are measuring ahead by a little less than a week (as has been the norm for most of the pregnancy), and both weigh about 2.7 lbs.  That's almost 5 1/2 lbs of baby!  No wonder I am having a hard time breathing, and its only going to get worse!  I'd share some u/s pics, but I had the world's worse technician and literally got nothing good to show!  Oh well, the important part is that they are OK.

Baby Registry HELL

Words cannot describe how much I HATED registering for the babies.  Eric and I decided to start this weekend (probably bad idea number 1, since it was crowded), and after 2 hours, we were only a third of the way through the store and totally frustrated with each other and the whole process. 

I didn't expect this at all.  I mean, I have looked into baby gear since well before I was pregnant, and I thought I was prepared, but I was far from it.  It was nothing like the wedding registry process.  Then, we had so  much fun with that, running all over the store scanning to our hearts desire, including things we knew we didn't need, but wanted anyway. 

Now all of a sudden, our natural high was ruined by not knowing what kind of bottles or pacifiers to buy, or the fact that it seemed like every isle we went on, we were followed by three to five other couples who had to look at the exact same thing at that exact same moment (without saying "Excuse me", no less... I hate people here so much sometimes).

I don't know how people do it.  By the time we decided to give up, we were both hungry, and tired, and just deflated by the whole experience.  We decided to either come back on another day, or just try adding the rest online.  We definitely needed to just get away from the whole scene and recoup.

On the plus side, we did get a $25 gift card for setting up a new registry, so that was nice.  Silver lining I suppose.

So to all the vets out there, any recommendations for items to have and items to avoid??  Any help is appreciated!!

Random Stuff from the Weekend

So I'm excited to say we bought our stroller and car seats!  I was really stoked because I got a 20% off coupon from BRU for this weekend only, so Eric and I were very strategic in hitting up a couple BRUs in the area so we could use the coupon for each purchase (little did I know this deal comes around ALOT, so the amount of work we put into it was pretty moot, but still, its nice to have them purchased).  With the discount, we spent around $500 for all three, which Eric's dad and step-mom are taking care of.  We have been very lucky with how helpful our parents have been, first with my parents buying our nursery furniture, and now with this.  It really helps and I couldn't be more appreciative! 

Anyway, we ended up going with the Combi Twin Sport and the Chicco KeyFit 30.  I used the "box is banged up, better be on the safe side and open the stroller" excuse so I could play with at least one thing... and I total plan on pulling out the car seats sometime soon to see how they fit in my car (I have a Mazda6 and hubby has a Ford Escape, so I'm trying to determine if Eric's car is going to have to be our day to day car, at least while they are in the infant car seats).

In other weekend news, I had a total meltdown on Saturday about child care.  I'm not sure if I have ever talked about it here (although I know I have on WTE), but childcare in the Northern VA area is ridiculous.  To use an actual "school-type" day care costs $350-400 per week PER CHILD.  They do sometimes give a discount for multiple children, but its mostly on the order of about 5% off.  And to top it off, these places have HUGE waiting lists.  I mean, apparently you have to put your name on a list the second you start thinking about trying for a baby, and you're screwed if you wait until 3-4 months.  So, obviously, these places are out for us for these two reasons (although, its mostly due to the cost).

For the past couple weeks, I've taken up a mission to look up in-home day cares.  The Fairfax County web page has tons of listings for licensed people, and I even took some advice and looked at CraigsList (which made me cringe at first, but there have actually been some great people on there).  I've seen a pretty large range in the total costs, which is basically about $250-300 per child per week, again with many of these places offering discounts for multiple children.

So I decided this weekend, Eric and I would sit down, go through all our bills and monthly costs, and determine how much money we have available for child care.  And the results made me have a mental breakdown.  I mean, I knew money would be tight as long as we were in this area, but it's coming down to penny pinching.  We decided we really can only spend a maximum of $500 per week on childcare.  The place in the lead right now will be $450 a week, so at least we are still in budget, but all I could think was how we will not be able to give our children everything they need if we are living paycheck to paycheck.  I mean, I feel my husband and I are pretty well established, and I know we do have some extra expenses, but I am still baffled that people in the area have multiple kids all the time.  I can not see how they do it!  This utter panic coupled with raging hormones turned me into a balling crying crazy lady unable to listen to reason, and left Eric utterly bewildered on how to proceed without making it worse.  After about an hour of crying, I calmed down.  I'm still worried, but I guess that's only natural. 

Anyway, this basically re-established that we need to get out of NOVA.  So operation "Lindsay find a new job in Richmond" continues to be the plan for the Fall.  Everyone please keep their fingers crossed this works out.

Those are the big notes for the weekend.  Tomorrow is another OB appointment, so I'm very excited to hear some heartbeats!

Drama, Drama, Drama

So, as per usual, it never fails that everything around me goes wrong once my hubby leaves town. I'd like to think I am fully capable of functioning on my own, but really, it’s so much easier when he is around.

It started off with small things, like the cable box breaking for a minute, or the shower clogging (and is still clogged, BTW, because this clog is impenetrable apparently), but Friday night was terrible for me... and Saturday just got worse.

I decided to watch a movie in bed Friday night, knowing perfectly well that there was no way I'd stay awake. It’s just not possible. After about 30 minutes, I was out. I woke up around 11pm to the movie credits, and when I got up to turn off the TV and hit up the bathroom, I noticed a terrible pain down the right ride of my back. I had no idea what I had done, but it felt like the world's worse muscle cramp. I tried to find a comfortable position, but it didn't exist. Instead, I spent most of the night, wide awake, practically in tears from the pain and frustration. My body finally gave in about 3am and let me fall asleep, propped up on my back. I felt terrible sleeping like this, since I know its bad in pregnancy, but it was the only way I could get some sleep.

So, I wake up Saturday morning and call the doctor. They have urgent care hours on Saturday, so I went in and was seen by a nurse practitioner. Apparently, this was a bad idea. I probably would have been better going to the ER or to an actual Urgent Care facility and waiting for 2-3 hours than dealing with this woman. They ran a few tests to make sure it wasn't my kidneys or some other issue, which thankfully it wasn't, and decided it was just a pulled muscle or muscle spasm. I pretty much knew this, but my hubby was really insistent that I go to the doctor and be sure... and I'd always like to be safe than sorry.

So, what does the NP give me to help since I couldn't take any anti-inflammatory drugs?? VALIUM! Flipping Valium, a Pregnancy Category D which basically is known to cause birth defects and should only be given in life threatening situations, which this was not. I asked her three times if she was sure this was OK, and she swore it was, but I knew that couldn't be right. As soon as she left the room, I got on my phone and looked it up. Yup, there is was, a hundred pages telling me NOT to take this drug. So, I call my OB, and she was in absolute shock that someone would actually give a pregnant person Valium. She said if anything, I should only be taking something with a narcotic in it, like Tylenol 3's or Percocets. She said to avoid taking anything if possible, and just keep heat on it, but if I really needed something to take off the edge, this was what I could take.

So I called the NP back and let her know what my OB had said, and the stupid woman actually had the nerve to be mad at me! She gave me such attitude that I dare call my OB and confirm it was OK to take Valium and said my OB didn't know how to diagnose medical issues like this because that is not her area. She said narcotic drugs will not help with back pain. Hello, its a pain killer, right? Isn't that its job??

I was so mad. I was mad at this woman for giving me something that could have hurt my babies and I was mad at her for giving me crap because I wanted to be sure it was safe. I seriously have half a mind to call them back today and talk to someone of authority, but at the same time, I wasted so much energy on this already, that I am just tired to thinking about it.

Anyway, so I spent most of the rest of the weekend lying down. My back feels ALOT better today, but I am definitely still sore and stiff. I only needed to breakdown and take one Tylenol 3 on Saturday night, but that was just to really help me get comfortable enough to sleep. I really hope this was just some fluke and not something that will be occurring regularly for the duration of the pregnancy.


If you want more information of Pregnancy Drug Categories, visit here.

Stroller FAIL

Ugh, I'm so upset right now. I FINALLY thought I had a stroller plan, at least one I could stick too for the time being, just to be crushed. I decided to go with the Chicco Trevi Twin plus a Snap and Go for when they are young. But alas, my inquires to Chicco as to why every.single.store was sold out yielded that the stroller was discontinued, to be replaced by the new tandem Cortina Together (which I also like, but I really wanted a side-to-side option). Oh well, back to the drawing board it seems.

Trying NOT to drive myself insane

So again I must apologize, I know I have been MIA... I'm a bad blogger now. I went from writing almost every day to barely once a week. But, trust me when I say, it's for your own good. These past couple of weeks have been rough on me, and the last thing I wanted to do was pounce on my blog and bitch about it. But then I realized, "Hey, that's why I started blogging in the first place..." It just makes me feel a little guilty, because I went from suffering through IF treatments, and now that I am pregnant, I feel like I have no right to complain. But, on the flipside, I really feel like I need to use this outlet to get some things off my mind.

I want to start by saying I am 100% happy and excited to become a mom. It's what we wanted for almost a year and half, and I'm so happy to finally be there. I am still really nervous about having twins, but I know it will still be a fun and exciting (albeit stressful) journey for our family to be.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a multitude of other things as well... I just came to the realization yesterday that I have hit some sort of depression, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

What do I have to be depressed about, you may ask... well, I at least have the insight to see that all the things I get upset over are stupid, plain and simple. They don't matter, but for some reason, it brings me down. The biggest thing right now that I am dealing with is weight. Now, I haven't really gained more than a pound or so over the last 12 weeks, but I definitely have a bump forming. I am fine with that (happy, even), but now I notice my arms looking bigger, and my face, and my BUTT, and I suddenly feel like crying because I am such a fat cow.
My weight has always been a sensitive subject. I was really small in high school and college, and very active, but in my last year of college (while finishing up my second degree), I started working at a local restaurant, stopped working out all together, and gained a lot of weight... I'm talking, like, 50+ pounds. This was back in 2004-2005. Ever since then, my weight has been an issue and a struggle. Right before our wedding in 2007, I lost about 30 lbs, then gained it all back (plus some) in our first year. Then in May 2008, I started Weight Watchers, and over the course of a year, I lost everything I had ever gained, more than 50 lbs, and I was so happy. Last summer was the first time since college I was happy in a bathing suit. I didn't have my college figure back, but I am logical enough to know that will never happen, but I was happy and healthy and active.
One of my biggest incentives for losing the weight was to be healthier when we got pregnant. I was really hoping to be one of those girls who becomes all belly and looks so cute pregnant... and then, we didn't get pregnant... and then the IF treatments started, and over the course of Sept 2009 to March 2010, when we finally conceived, I gained about 20 lbs back.

Now, I know, it’s not that bad, but I keep finding myself in tears over this... I worked so hard and it makes me feel like I let it all go, and became lazy. I know the medications and the hormones did contribute a lot, but I feel like I caused this, making my body an unhealthy environment for my babies. Now, all I can see is a girl who is 20 lbs overweight (even though, really, I'm not overweight...this is that logical part of me), and who is just going to be fatter as the pregnancy progresses. I already hate having pictures taken of me, and I'm scared I'll miss out on documenting this pregnancy because I am too worried about how fat my face looks.

So I flip from feeling depressed to feeling guilty... and why guilty, you may ask? Well, because all I want to do right now is diet and exercise, which I know is bad. It's selfish. Now is not the time to try and lose weight. Pregnancy is not the time to start working out for hours a day and cutting out food, not to mention I still have NO energy to do either of these things. But I can't help feeling like this.

So, that's where my head it at right now. I'm hoping that once my belly gets a little more pronounced, I won't be so upset, but right now, this has taken over my mind. It's all I think about... to the point that when people around me talk about the pregnancy, I get all awkward and say stupid things like, "But I'm having twins, so I'm supposed to show sooner". When, really, no one cares or has even noticed, it's ALL ME.
ANYWAY, if you happen to even still be reading, I apologize for this terribly long rant, its just that I have been keeping it all to myself and I was about to explode. On a more positive note, I have my NT scan tomorrow, and will get to see the babies again! I'm so excited to see how much they have grown over the past 4 weeks. I wish it wasn't too early to determine the sex(es), but hopefully we will know next month, fingers crossed. BTW, I'd be lying if I said I also had a lot of nerves about tomorrow's appointment too, but that's the crazy girl in me. I have of course convinced myself that something has gone wrong, since many of my symptoms have diminished a couple weeks ago.... but hopefully the fact that I am still insane is a sign I am still happily pregnant. Once I see them tomorrow, I think I will finally let myself relax and believe this is real!

Sidebar note for today

I hate this "feature".  I know we shouldn't put too much stock in it, but I find myself recording every little thing that MIGHT be a symptom into FF and still never get what I consider to be a satisfactory amount of points.  I would have thought that this cycle, I would get a higher number than normal, but I actually think its much lower.  I can't help but ask "WTH?"  Boo to 39 points.  I want, like, 100!

8DPO and some junk

My temp did rise a little this morning, but by only 0.1 degrees, so I'm again worried that I caused this, and yesterday was anything but an implantation dip.  I think I am becoming a little too awake each morning when temping, which in turn makes my heartbeat pick up and my temp rise.  Also, I woke up at around 4am this morning and had a hard time getting back to sleep.  I usually temp around 6am.

Anyway, here's today's chart.  I'm 8DPO:

I'm honestly not feeling very different, or in any way that may lend itself to suggest I may be pregnant.  Yesterday, I was exhausted, and practically falling asleep at my desk, but today, that has pretty much subsided.  I'm a little tired, but no where near how I was yesterday.  I had let myself think maybe it was an early symptom, but now, I don't think that's really the case.

Today at 11:45am, I have another phone back appointment with my RE, Dr. K.  Basically, she just wants to talk about what the next plan of action is if this cycle didn't work.  I know she just wants to stay on top of everything and have all bases covered, but I can't help but feel already dismissed for this past cycle... its pretty much validating what I have been thinking all week, in that there is no way we are lucky enough to be pregnant on our first try with IUI... thats just too simple.

My husband really wants to take the next cycle off, not because he needs a break or because he doesn't want to keep trying, but because if we did try and finally get pregnant, our due date would be around Christmas.  I know this sounds silly, but we live several hours away from all of our family, and always have travel plans for late December to see everyone.  If we are due around Christmas, there is no way we will be able to spend Christmas with our whole family, since we would not be able to travel, and I doubt everyone would come to us (not to mention we just don't have the capacity to house everyone for an extended period of time).  Also, he doesn't like the idea of having Birthdays so close to Christmas.  He thinks its unfair to the child.  I can see his point, but at this time in the game, I really don't care.  I could care less if we miss one holiday travel to see our crazy and exhausting relatives.  We can just plan to go in January or something.  Plus, in the event we have twins or something (since IF treatments increase this chance AND the genes run in my family), we would likely go into labor early anyway and this wouldn't even be an issue.

Anyway, I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I'm not sure what we are gonna do and its driving me crazy.  I just really hope we don't have to worry about this... I hope this cycle is the one and I'm pregnant now.  I don't want to take another break, but I don't know what to tell him to see my point and possibly agree with me.

OK, this turned into a bit of a vent without my meaning it to be.  I'll let everyone know how it goes after my phone back.

Just Another Day

So, big surprise, my Follistim prior authorization (PA) still hasn't gone through.  When I spoke with the insurance company yesterday, they said they had 24 hours to authorize since my doctor had to place (another) rush order for the mediction.  Well, 24 hours was up at 11am, and I called back to check at around 12pm, and was told they have until 4pm to approve... someone is doing their math wrong.

I'm of course still frustrated, but honestly, I am not surprised.  I have been dealing with this for over a week now, so the shock factor has pretty much died by now.  Sadly, I think the number one reason (at least right now at this point) I hope this cycle works is so I can avoid going through this again next month.  It's exhausting.

Luckily, my pharmacy said they will let me pay the out-of-pocket cost ($500) and they will reimburse me when the PA comes through... because I am not going to be surprised to find it doesn't happen by 4pm either... Even though I don't need the meds until tomorrow, they are not open on Saturdays, so I have to pick it up today, no matter what.

Just another day of IF treatments.

Another Day, Another Insurance Issue

I posted yesterday about the joys of dealing with insurance companies though all these IF treatments, but I feel the need to elaborate further on my vent with today's developments.  We already know how stupid I think the insurance company is for needing a prior authorization (PA's for short) for all of these meds, but now I see that the company as a whole is just ignorant.

So I called my pharmacy today to check on the status of the Follistim approval, as I need to pick it up by tomorrow to be on schedule.  They said everything was submitted, but that they were still waiting on my insurance company to authorize.  I asked if I should give them a call and she said "No", but me being me, I did anyway... and lucky I did.

Once on the phone, after being on hold forever and transferred several times, I was told they had never received the authorization request... the only PA's they had was for the Gonal-F (which was denied) and the Ovidrel (which was accepted), but nothing for Follistim.  I explained how my doctor had called them and was told Gonal-F was not covered, but that Follistim was, and so she decided to make the change.  She called in the new Rx for me and also called back my insurance company to let them know.  The PA went out for authorization and was sent back to the insurance company, but now all of a sudden, its missing... or rather, just plain non-existent.

You would think a company who is supposed to have a person's welfare in mind would be a little more "on top" of things.  I feel like I am taking crazy pills.  Now, my doctor had to call back and place another STAT (which the operator felt the need to explain means "urgent order", thanks genius) PA order with them and was told "we will make a decision in the next 24 hours".  Well, that's all well and good, but why the crap do you need a whole day?  You've already told us you cover this medication, so give me a break.  It takes, like, 5 minutes to update your computer system and select "Yes".

Soo back in the holding pattern.  I'm supposed to call the pharmacy back around noon tomorrow to have them re-run the insurance, and hopefully by then, it will go through.  If not, it looks like I'll be paying out of pocket... yay...

And just for a short status update, today is CD5 for me, and I have 2 days left of the Clomid... and only 2 days left until starting the injections, so YAY!  I'm very excited.

Yeah, That Makes Sense...

Last night, while at home, I sat recalling all the events of yesterday, and a thought occured to me.  WHY does my insurance company require a prior authorization for my prescriptions?  I mean, isn't that what a prescription is?  Rather than just taking the script for what it is, this is how the whole process goes:

1. Doctor gives me the script
2. I take the script to the pharmacy
3. Pharmacy says "Whoops, insurance did not accept this, they are waiting on authorization"
4. I stand baffled and leave annoyed
5. Insurance company sends form to my doctor to authorize medication
6. Doctor resends form to insurance company, who then sits on it for a few days
7. Insurance company lets pharmacy know everythings a go...

I mean, does this make sense to everyone else?  The fact that I even have a prescription should show that my doctor authorizes my use of this medication.  So why do we have to go through this process EVERY time I get some fertility meds?

Granted, I know I shouldn't really complain because I am lucky to have any coverage for IF as it is, but really... give me a break.  The last thing I need is the added stress!

Never An Easy Moment

Another day, another issue.  I started today in great spirits.  Today is Day 1 of this new cycle of Clomid (round 4), but I feel much better about it since this will be the first round with injectables.  I'm so excited, I could pee myself.  Even if this doesn't work (which will of course be heartbreaking), each new drug or method gets us one step closer, and that is exciting to me...

But, of course, issues always arise... and wouldn't you know, half the time its related to insurance issues.  I know I can't complain because I am lucky to have some coverage, but geez!  It's exhausting sometimes dealing with this crap!

So, what happened??  Well. tomorrow, my Gonal-F vials were due to be delivered for use starting on Saturday.  I took the day off of work and was "patiently" waiting to see if my insurance company was going to cover it.  Then I get an email from my nurse, saying my RE wants me to get a refill started now because I will likely need more than the 3 days worth (original plan was 75mg injections on Day 7-9)... Umm, OK, well if thats what she wanted, why didn't she write the script for more than 3 vials?  *Sigh* So I call up the drug company that is sending it to me, and they say:

1. You can't just add more vials (idiot... is what they wanted to say), you need a new script... even if you have 2 refills left, it doesn't work like that...

And...(best part)

2. We're still waiting on the prior authorization from your insurance company... so we will not be shipping out today for you tomorrow... so we're moving it to Friday delivery (day before I need the drug, hope nothing goes wrong!  hint: sarcasm), and we aren't even sure we will have the authorization by then, so who knows how it will work out... best of luck, though!

Great, thanks guys!  Didn't you think maybe it would be a good idea to call and let me know of these issues?  If my nurse hadn't prompted me to make the call, I would have never known, and I would have wasted a day at home waiting for it.  Thanks sooo much.

Just another day in the life of IF treatments... ain't life grand??

Three Out of Four

So if you also follow my posts on WTE.com, you have already read this, but of course I need to also post it here as well.

I am always saying how everyone else around me is pregnant, but this week takes the cake.  Out of the past 4 days, I have found out another friend of mine is pregnant... Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, all brings new babies-to-be.  But, as always, there is a new twist this week...

One of them is my sister.

Now, before I got into my own venting, I want to say that I am 100% happy for my sister.  She is my best friend, I love her to pieces and she will be a wonderful mom!

But... (there's always a but)

I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me really sad and quite a bit jealous.  The second I got off the phone with  her, I started balling crying (big thanks to Provera).  It makes me feel like such a bad person, especially when my own sister was afraid to tell me because she was worried I would be mad at her.  I should just be happy for her, but all I can think about is how it isn't me or how its supposed to be me.  But thats not fair at all to her. 

And this is now all on the wake of a second phone call with my Dr to discuss doing an IUI this round.  My husband and I originally wanted to try a successful ovulation round with good old-fashion baby-dancing, but she is now suggesting that we move on to IUI, as it will help almost double our chances of getting pregnant (considering I actually ovulate this cycle).  I am fine with this idea, but it also makes me a little sad... almost like I am even more broken than I originally thought. 

Why does the world seem to hate me??

UPDATE: Just wanted to let everyone know that the week ended at 5 out of 7... bah!